tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4305286047876812032024-03-05T04:42:44.283-05:00Slutty Heartblogging about polyamory is like dancing about architecture ;)Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10388490131023120621noreply@blogger.comBlogger26125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-430528604787681203.post-40510302661745352302019-02-11T14:36:00.000-05:002019-02-11T14:36:07.443-05:00In Other News...<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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I had a bunch of pics posted on here but then I forgot I'm trying not to be identified on this blog quite yet. Here is a pic of my black, red, and silver locking collar.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg65e-hECKxlGmVqd8muofRtHeB_hmxK1w7NIFWZtgNpE2WhKbLEND-LeFkU0JcxhxKq9VYaPtWJTSR2iluOl_So2MtGHTHwO2mlyUZXFDwTJIa99tB7fw0PcW4SOxn2I3o6mlKTDoeQ3LN/s1600/IMG_0013.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="740" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg65e-hECKxlGmVqd8muofRtHeB_hmxK1w7NIFWZtgNpE2WhKbLEND-LeFkU0JcxhxKq9VYaPtWJTSR2iluOl_So2MtGHTHwO2mlyUZXFDwTJIa99tB7fw0PcW4SOxn2I3o6mlKTDoeQ3LN/s320/IMG_0013.PNG" width="147" /></a></div>
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So we went up to an overlook here in the city where we went on our first FIRST date (the one 3 years ago when I broke things off because it seemed clear his wife wasn't as into it as he had hoped). That night there was a little drizzle. So, 3 years later, and after our official 1 year (second chances should be my middle name), anniversary, we headed back up to the overlook and exchanged commitment jewelry. He got me this lovely collar!<br />
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This is Sir's matching ring: </div>
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So, there's that ;) </div>
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On our way back, it started to drizzle as we walked to the car. Such romance, much memories, very swoon. :)</div>
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*~*~*Slutty Heart*~*~*</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10388490131023120621noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-430528604787681203.post-62588670701549792392019-02-11T14:20:00.001-05:002019-02-11T14:20:44.790-05:00Here's to Second Chances<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Something has happened that led to me realizing my failings within a poly framework. If I'm honest, my friend betrayed me, she was who was briefly dating my partner, W. Was my reaction to these betrayals out of hand? Yes. Could I have handled it better? Of course. But the fact of the matter is I did not manage to control myself and things got out of hand and turned into a screaming fit.<br />
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I realized that after three strikes I could not continue to give my blessing for their relationship. I did not ask that they stop seeing each other, I'm a firm believer that I can only control how I react to a situation. I had the option to leave, and I explored that option, let them have at it. It boiled down to me trying to save our friendship before things got too out of hand with X. This probably didn't work. I sent her an e-mail, and she hasn't replied. She had mentioned wanting to talk, and I asked her to e-mail me, I didn't feel up to an in-person conversation. I got sick of waiting to hear from her, so I mailed her about the issues we had. She hasn't responded. I don't know if I even want her to, to be honest. I don't think that our friendship will have survived all of this mess. We were good friends but piss poor metas. I guess sometimes that happens. :(<br />
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I'm the kind of person who needs to know where things are going and when. Like when she said "I"m not going to date W, I don't want it to affect our friendship." I took her at her word. Even though she had my blessing before that, when she said she wasn't going to mess with him, that was my expectation. Then not a day later and he's in her bed. It was that sort of thing two other times, and it just got to be too much with the poor communication and what I considered to be lies. W is not free from blame in all of this either, but with him, it was mostly poor communication.<br />
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I want him to be happy, and I want to have compersion for him. For the first time in his life, he is free to love how he pleases, and I wish that for him. I think maybe X was just a poor choice in potential partners.<br />
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I look forward to us reading <a href="https://www.amazon.com/More-Than-Two-Practical-Polyamory/dp/0991399706/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1549912551&sr=8-1&keywords=more+than+two" target="_blank">More Than Two</a> together and figuring out both of our bullshit and issues together.<br />
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Poor mental health played a big part in all of this as well. In December I was in a mixed episode, then in January I had pneumonia and the flu and I was on prednisone, the first day of the step-down pack is the worst, it made me want to put my face through a brick wall. X was on steroids for a similar issue as well so we were going for the throat it seemed.<br />
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For now, W is waiting to find other partners until he gets his divorce decree in the mail and can kick his ex-wife and her boyfriend out of his house. That was the original plan, and since this backfired so spectacularly, he has decided waiting is for the best.<br />
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In closing, I know I am not perfect, and I'm willing to work on my missteps within our relationship. Here's to 2nd chances.<br />
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*~*~*Slutty Heart*~*~*</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10388490131023120621noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-430528604787681203.post-59385154355354312652019-01-13T21:31:00.000-05:002019-01-13T21:35:26.223-05:00Wolfgun-Dawn<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
So far everything is worked out with W's new interest. We had some decent bumps in the <a href="https://sluttyheart.blogspot.com/2018/12/the-learning-curve.html">beginning</a> but, here we are. They are on a date, and I'm doing okay. Previously I was in the middle of some mental health struggles and it was the exact wrong time to start introducing his first new partner in a year. BUT, I pushed for them to do what they wanted because I felt wrong saying, "I'm unwell, can we hold off on adding new partners until my meds are straight?" (I have now been told to do just that in the future by W.) So, I suppose I could have handled all of that better.<br />
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Now that my meds are straight and I'm feeling okay, I get only the slightest tightness in my chest, like anxiety, when he leaves me to be with her. This is our first time with him dating anyone else since he left his wife. I am certain soon enough that will turn to compersion cuz that's just who I am. I trust him, but even though she and I have been friends for 15 years, I've never been in a relationship/relationship adjacent to her before. I don't know how she handles things, especially in a poly setting, as she's a little newish to it. So, I told him, nothing will change my fears except time and experience, and I'm willing to wait for both.<br />
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Now, on to the important stuff. W and I have a song!!!!!! There is this song we like, and he put it on a playlist he's making me out of all the songs I like that he plays when we are out driving. But, this song came on last night. The beginning is so dreamy. Anyhow, when it came on, I was looking at him, and I was about to say "Hey, turn it up," but I didn't get the chance, because he was already turning it up. and it was just such a sweet moment and we just sat there in silence. I smiled and said, "This is our song" I'm sure that maybe it seemed super meaningful because I was stoned, but there was something about the way the streetlights were catching the light in his eyes in that moment....<br />
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*Watch our lives drift away, they burn out quietly.*</div>
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*~*~*Slutty Heart*~*~*</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10388490131023120621noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-430528604787681203.post-77141586971424074002019-01-08T11:52:00.000-05:002019-01-08T11:58:25.691-05:00Reason # 4637848 Polyamory is awesome<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
About two months ago I had, what seemed like maybe a sinus infection that was annoying enough to make me feel tired and run down, but not out of it enough to go to the doc. Then I got laryngitis and some chest congestion, again, I did not go to the Dr.<br />
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Yesterday around 10 a.m I started to have chest pains on inhalation on my right side. My boyfriend W had errands to run but offered to take me to the ER. I did not want to be a burden, "It's the ER, I will be there all day." I told him to run his errands. Then I went to make an appointment with my PCP but was on hold for so long I gave up. Then I considered Med Express, but for some reason, it charges me 200$ (er visit fee) for Med Express, and I figured they might want to run tests that can't be run there. So they may refer me to the ER anyhow, another 200$. (I'm not going to get into the sad state of health care here in the US) W told me to go. So, I let him take me. My husband, R is at work, and W happened to have his moms car that day, so if it had to happen, it was a good day for it.<br />
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While being checked in, they asked about my emergency contacts. They had R listed, and I asked if they could add W. They asked what the relationship was and I said "boyfriend" The check-in lady, sweet as can be said to me "Oh do you want me to take R off of here?" And I said no. She looked at me funny. I said, "We have an open relationship, it's fine." She looked at me and said, "I have a question, is it fun?"<br />
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"Ha! Yes," I replied, "I have lots of love in my life."<br />
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After having a CT scan, they said I had 'substantial pneumonia.' They said two of my three lobes in my lungs were infected and that I could go home, but I would end up back in the er the next day. They wanted to keep me maybe 2-3 days on an iv drip to get rid of it.<br />
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By the time we figured everything out six hours later, R had finished work, so he packed a bag and brought it to me. I was a little worried about all this, missing work, etc. But, both R and W came to visit me and bring my bag upstairs when I went to my room. Then they each sat with me for a few hours, and we talked, laughed, it was an excellent stress relief. My comet partner is going to pick me up tomorrow, and my girlfriend was unable to visit but has been chatting with me to check in.. I'm glad I have so much love and support in my life. Early this morning W came to visit, and R is coming later.<br />
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I'm grateful W nagged me just to come. I'm glad R was home so that he could easily bring me some stuff. I feel so loved and protected by my polycule. It is fantastic when all these people love and care about you. I never really had that growing up, and it makes me appreciate it so much more as an adult.<br />
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As I've said in past blog posts, my mom always said I was poly because I was trying to recreate a better family life than what I had as a child. Maybe she's right, but anyhow, the whole "it takes a village" isn't just for kids. Everyone should be so lucky to have all this love in their life. I am glad, even sitting here in this hospital bed, that I am so loved, and it's excellent. :)<br />
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*~*~*Slutty Heart*~*~*</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10388490131023120621noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-430528604787681203.post-39124491855161098762018-12-30T19:31:00.001-05:002018-12-30T19:31:56.297-05:00Sharing is Caring<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Since so much has been going on I feel like today is a two blog post day.<br />
So, onward!<br />
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W and I have this monthly kink night we go to at a local swinger club. I asked my husband, R if he would let W borrow the car for us to go to help save money on Uber. At first, he made a face. R is really intense about the car and I never in a million years thought that asking was even a remotely good idea, but things have been going so well between them lately, I thought I'd give it a shot. I said to him, "Don't answer right now. Take some time to think about it."<br />
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Later that night he said it was fine.<br />
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So, we go to the kink night, W has to rearrange the mirrors and the steering wheel, he's taller than R, so it's an issue. I worry about the next morning when R will have to fix all the mirrors, that he will think it's a massive pain in the ass and never let W borrow the car again. W gave his car to his ex-wife in the divorce. A new one is in his future, but for now, we Uber or bus generally. W dearly misses driving, so seeing him drive made me so happy, I could tell he was so into it. Something about this made me so happy and maybe a little hot. W and R are not dating, but I said the other day, I love their blooming bromance. It's something like compersion seeing them get along so well, R warming up to W is so lovely. Because R does NOT warm to people quickly or easily. This was a hard-won battle in some ways. But, he finally admitted, he doesn't see W leaving any time soon, so he's finally 'letting him in.'<br />
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The next day, we are about to Uber out to a club to dance. R says to "just take the car." I'm in shock. I'm so happy beyond words, it might seem like just some small thing, but to me, it's a huge deal and shows a lot of trust. I'm pretty much sitting here crying happy tears as I write this. Life. Is. Good.<br />
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Even when it's hard, and that is okay.<br />
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*~*~*Slutty Heart*~*~*</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10388490131023120621noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-430528604787681203.post-8787698104124531292018-12-30T18:25:00.000-05:002018-12-30T19:03:00.493-05:00The Learning Curve<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
So, since the last time I blogged here (I plan to start keeping up with this nonsense), a lot has happened. W's divorce has taken longer than expected. It is final February 8th, 2019 and I can. Not. Wait. BUT, since it's taken so long and he happened upon a new love interest, things are moving along sooner than I thought that they would. Also, this new love interest is a good friend of mine (we have been friends for like 15 years.).<br />
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I've been poly a very long time. I sometimes see problems coming from a mile away with W, and I call it to his attention and say maybe we can work this out before it becomes an issue. I am then met with 'oh no, no issue.' Then, of course, the thing I was so worried about happening, happens. A lot of the neglect I sometimes feel comes from the fact that they are both experiencing NRE and I really really try and let a lot go due to that. Because I've been there. I'm still there to a degree. I can let a lot slide, but he needs to know it's not an excuse and he has to do better. We had a long talk this morning, about something that happened last night. He admitted where he was wrong and came up with his own suggestions as to how to keep those things from happening in the future. I was kind of proud of him for that. As the more experienced partner, I'd really hate to have all of our problems fall on my shoulders, and I will be the one to try and fix everything.<br />
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I'm not sure just how detailed I want to be here. I kind of want to make a poly advice column based on the problems we encounter and post about ways we try and fix those problems. So, maybe look out for more detailed stuff later on, but, just know dear reader, everything is good, I'm happy, and we will tackle issues as they rear their heads. I am cautiously optimistic. ;)<br />
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*~*~*Slutty Heart*~*~*</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10388490131023120621noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-430528604787681203.post-52118526914694360402018-06-11T22:50:00.001-04:002018-06-11T22:50:44.287-04:00Going from good to bonkers<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
So, let's discuss a topic near and dear to my heart - Mental health. This is going to be a very long post, but it's important, and I SWEAR it has something to do with poly, even though at first it might not seem that way.<br />
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Lately, I've been feeling great. R, my husband, seems annoyed with me lately. When he's annoyed for what seems like absolutely no good reason, it's usually because I'm starting to slide down the slippery manic slope.<br />
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So. Just so people know, before I say anything else, just like depression isn't being "just sad" mania isn't being "just happy" either. And I've been at this for so long, that I can see the darkness hiding in the light. I know that even though I have a laundry list of good things going on, I can see the red flags in there, even in the best of happenings.<br />
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1.) I'm crushing it at work. We have key performance indicators and I am DESTROYING them with my charisma and charm. haha. This is not a bad thing at all.<br />
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2.) Inflated self esteem. (if you couldn't tell from point number 1.) I'm clearly feeling REAL good about myself. My self esteem is great and my value at work is being noticed which only makes me feel even better. Again, not a bad thing. I also feel super pretty.<br />
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3.) I keep a fairly strict sleep/wake routine, and eating routine and other such things as a way to monitor my mental health so that when I start to fall away from my patterns, I am more likely to notice it and make note. I generally go to bed between 11:30-12:30 and wake around 7:30 am. Last night I socialized with a new person until 1:30 am and it took everything in me to finally kick him out so I could go to sleep like I knew I should have an hour prior.<br />
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4.) I tend to get super generous with my money when I'm hypomanic. Today I bought W a pair of (to be fair, sorely needed) eyeglasses. Not terribly cheap.<br />
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5.) I've been fighting the urge to drink lately. I don't drink. At all. It makes me manic. When I'm getting manic, I usually want to give in and drink and just scream into the void to BRING IT ON!<br />
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6.) I've been feeling super creative lately and writing more. I AM NOT COMPLAINING. I love to write!<br />
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7.) I've been told to 'slow my speech down' a lot lately.<br />
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8.) My sex drive is up.<br />
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So, while almost all of these things can be considered GOOD things in my life, they are also red flags. Because they eventually, if left unchecked, have a good chance of turning bonkers. This is how it goes:<br />
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At first, I crush my numbers at work, I get a lot of accolades and notice of my accomplishments. Then I start to get weird.<br />
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I start sleeping less, socializing more, staying up late, waking up early, maybe I drink, Suddenly my performance starts to slide, and in a big way because I have a job where being charismatic is super important. When actual mania hits, and I start to worry that people can look me in the eye and SEE that I am not mentally well is when it really goes downhill fast. I worry people can see the illness inside me, I stop making eye contact, very important in my job. I start to distance myself from my patients/customers, get snippy with my co workers. It becomes difficult to go to work, to stay at work, to even show up and I talk so fast no one can understand me. I'm told over and over again to slow down while I'm explaining features and benefits, but I can't, so I just annoy people. This hurts my numbers and makes my boss (who knows I am bipolar) worry about me and the business.<br />
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I start pretty much giving away my hard earned cash, taking my friends and sometimes strangers out to expensive dinners, I can't possibly burn through my money fast enough doing that so I start gambling. Tables games sometimes, mostly poker. You should not play poker, manic. NOTE: YOU SHOULD NOT PLAY POKER, MANIC.<br />
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Then once I've burned through my cash I start wracking up the debt. Some episodes take months if not longer to recover from financially. I stop going to work. I use up all my PTO, I stay home and fuck strangers I find on tinder because my sex drive is out of this world. I invite them to my house on first meeting and might not even catch their name by the time they are out the door. Then I unmatch them before they reach my porch. This is around the time I'll start hallucinating. Thinking the police are listening to me through my phone, I swear I can hear the police walkie talkie clicking coming from my phone, I hear them, hearing me. Old fashioned phones are ringing in my ear, people are angrily screaming my name, doors that aren't there are slamming. I feel electricity under my skin and I can't get all the energy inside me OUT fast enough and I shake and wring my hands until they are raw. I pace until I've worn a path in the floor. Soon, I'll get violent, and it will all end in a blazing glory of me hiking up the hill to the local psych hospital where I'll go to get my meds straight. Something I should have done long before all that other shit happened.<br />
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So yes, I'm keeping an eye out right now, and will up my haldol once I see for sure it's needed.<br />
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How does this relate to poly, you are wondering?<br />
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Well, I'm good at catching shit these days, I see the bonkers coming in the wave of positive things happening in my life. I find myself saying, "Why can't I ALWAYS feel this way? Why does it have to turn bad?" To which my bipolar partner K replies, "That is a manic sentence if I've ever heard one. And I have. From myself, every time I get manic."<br />
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My husband is annoyed at me and it will only get worse and drive a wedge between us if I let this go. K is happy and proud that I'm catching it early. W is saying, "Maybe you are just happy." But he has very little experience with mental health issues and doesn't quite grasp the seriousness of the events unfolding before us.<br />
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I'm very happy that I have so many loving people in my life that I can bounce off of and find support from and hell, even teach and help to understand further. If I HAVE to be sick...If I ABSOLUTELY MUST deal with this cyclical, at alternating times depressing and maniacal illness, if it is something, which it always has been (diagnosed at 14, sick long before that.) that I must deal with, in the end I'm glad I'm not dealing with it alone. I'm also so happy to have my polycule, so that I don't drain any one partner with all my bullshit. It makes it easier for me, and I imagine, easier for them, they have each other, I have each of them, no one person has to bear the weight of my sickness. We share this...I hate to say burden but in all honesty it is a burden. We share this burden and it makes the load a little less heavy for each who must carry it with them. For that, I am grateful.<br />
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TL;DR<br />
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*I suffer from a wretched mental illness and am so happy I have multiple loves in my life to help me carry this burden.*<br />
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*~*~*Slutty Heart*~*~*</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10388490131023120621noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-430528604787681203.post-20085661111188501402018-06-09T10:42:00.001-04:002018-06-09T10:48:30.402-04:00What a difference a year makes...<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Around this time last year I was very happy with all of my relationships and all the forms they were taking. In that year I lost a bf. It was for the best and we are still friends. I'm also still friends with my ex meta. Everything ended on good terms and is the best option for all involved. He had warned me ahead of time he could barely handle one woman, let alone two. I didn't listen, he was right, and I saw it with my own eyes and opted out.<br />
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This past February I met a man and I have the madly, truly, deeply type lovings for him. In past relationships, I honestly settled a lot. Because I am acutely aware not one person will fill every need I have as a human being. So I let a lot slide, but some things were too big to let go. Which is why I had to leave one of my relationships last year. I feel very fulfilled and I don't feel like I am settling AND I feel like my needs are being met my by current polycule better than ever before. I am still with K, R and I'm connected to D still now more than ever, but, also, W. W has been around almost 4 months now, and we are very compatible. We met two years ago, tried to date, but it wasn't the right time in our lives. Now, things are much different and everything is cool. The fact he's going through a divorce (in small part due to him deciding he is definitely poly and his wife decided after trying it that she is definitely not.) is a little messy but otherwise things are great.<br />
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Something I find is a challenge to me in relationships is trusting people enough to make them feel that I am fully invested in the relationship and also being vulnerable. I'm not terribly trusting when it comes to the big stuff and I'm never, ever, vulnerable to new people. Chalk it up to the usual, getting burned one too many times in the past.<br />
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Lately I have been changing, I've been trusting, I've been vulnerable with K in ways I haven't before and also W has opened up a vulnerable side to me I didn't even know existed. Part of it is just this time in my life, and part of it is the influence of people who care about me begging to be let in. I just can't keep building walls to keep people out and then expect them to stick around. I can't.<br />
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Anyhow....it's JUNE! Pride month. I'm going to a pride event tonight with K, W and maybe R if he's feeling up to socializing. I'm super excited. :D<br />
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Also, I'm going to anthrocon again this year, I now have a fursona (lexi, she's a skunk!) and I hope to get some art this year commissioned at least of K and I, if not others pieces as well.<br />
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Fun times to be had by all. :)<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhR8XNvWT4ergDrzY6xekAy_gEqxBTjyII_hxt3qTtCoWYkntFxfXNJGBFaK8mY5m8dkxhRnCidCW7NQZ_vOJ4FDY7Xjkzk68X13PYYWLpum8vKeByNxs4cHEFD9ZQ1wTuy1Lfu9vRn4Kpj/s1600/IMG_1394%255B1%255D.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhR8XNvWT4ergDrzY6xekAy_gEqxBTjyII_hxt3qTtCoWYkntFxfXNJGBFaK8mY5m8dkxhRnCidCW7NQZ_vOJ4FDY7Xjkzk68X13PYYWLpum8vKeByNxs4cHEFD9ZQ1wTuy1Lfu9vRn4Kpj/s320/IMG_1394%255B1%255D.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>
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*~*~*Slutty Heart*~*~*</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10388490131023120621noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-430528604787681203.post-35385300025872650122017-05-20T17:29:00.000-04:002017-05-20T17:41:37.087-04:00#PolyCommunity<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I posted yesterday about my amazing poly family, but there is something beyond that, which has been pretty life changing for me as well. I posted something about poly the other day and a bunch of people on my facebook ‘liked’ or ‘loved’ it or whatever. I looked at the people who did so, and they were all poly people I know, (makes sense) but it hadn’t prior to this, occurred to me, that I have a really great poly network and community as well. About a year or so ago I started to attend kink meet ups, then poly meetups, and I’m considering going to a bipgh meeting tomorrow. </span></div>
<b id="docs-internal-guid-0d20316c-27c1-44ca-a9d9-72134d64ad8b" style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
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<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">My husband and I go back and forth on this. He’s quite introverted though trying desperately to change that fact. He doesn’t like groups or people in general. He also thinks that ‘the way you relationship’ isn’t enough of a thing to have in common with people to form any type of friendship or community with them. </span></div>
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<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">He’s been coming to meetups and such lately. We do have a lot in common with many of the people in the groups, not just the fact that we are all poly, but poly seems to attract a certain type of person for the most part and they kind of seem to be ‘our people’. For the most part. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I live in Pittsburgh. We seem to have a large and fairly diverse poly community, and it has been something of a comfort to me. Yeah, maybe we just all ‘relationship the same way’, but there are challenges and joys that come along with that that literally, no other non-poly person can appreciate the way we can. I’m hoping to get more involved and make some new friends at some upcoming meetups. If you are interested and live in the Pittsburgh area, there’s a website now: </span><a href="http://www.polyinpgh.com/" style="text-decoration-line: none;"><span style="color: #1155cc; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">www.polyinpgh.com</span></a><span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> check it out and come make some frands! :) Community is important. :)</span><br />
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*~*~*Slutty Heart*~*~*</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10388490131023120621noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-430528604787681203.post-87772548255065385142017-05-19T23:10:00.000-04:002019-01-08T22:50:40.590-05:00"Friends are family you choose for yourself."<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: 14.6667px; white-space: pre-wrap;">A woman at work said to me</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: 14.6667px; white-space: pre-wrap;">“I get the gay thing, the bi thing, I don’t get the non-monogamous thing.”</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: 14.6667px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: 14.6667px; white-space: pre-wrap;">I can’t help but wonder why people have such difficulty with this. I GET the monogamous thing, and that is that I GET it, literally, without ever having been monogamous myself. I don’t see the appeal, but I’m not bothered by it, nor do I find it particularly mind-boggling.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: 14.6667px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: 14.6667px; white-space: pre-wrap;">I can only speak from my own experience.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: 14.6667px; white-space: pre-wrap;">I am at work, so I don’t say to her, what I want to say, which is: </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: 14.6667px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: 14.6667px; white-space: pre-wrap;">Hey lady, if you think loving and being loved by one amazing person is incredible, try adding a few more and see maybe if you aren’t walking around with a smile plastered on your face all day too.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: 14.6667px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: 14.6667px; white-space: pre-wrap;">I feel so much joy in my poly life. Someone asked me today how my life was going, we hadn’t spoken in a while, and they said, “How is poly life treating you?” I’m so lucky, that even when my life is in shambles at work, when my mental health is in disarray and my physical health is failing too….the one constant is that my relationships are all fantastic in their own ways. I have such an amazing poly family, I can not begin to express my gratitude here. I am loved, and it feels really, really lovely. :)</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: 14.6667px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: 14.6667px; white-space: pre-wrap;">My mom always said I was poly because I came from a broken/unstable family life. This could be true. I can’t really say, but if I had set out to create a better family for myself, than the cold and unloving one that I grew up with as a child, then I did a DAMN excellent job of it. Because I am surrounded by people who love me, and I love them, and we are family. I have such a strong sense of family with all of these people, and I just could not imagine my life without them at this point. They have all been around from the ‘newest’ partner, at 5 years to the ‘oldest’ partner of 22 years. These people are not flings or romp n’ roll in the hay playtime buddies. These are people I’m making memories with, memories that will last a lifetime. People who I can count on, who care about me, people who I am lucky to call partners and privileged to call family. If I somehow have set out subconsciously to build the perfect, loving, caring, supportive family, fuck it, I’ve succeeded.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: 14.6667px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: 14.6667px; white-space: pre-wrap;">For those who just don’t get it, or think I’m just being slutty, you have entirely missed the point. </span></span></div>
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*~*~*Slutty Heart*~*~*</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10388490131023120621noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-430528604787681203.post-518003706606211902017-05-15T19:37:00.000-04:002017-05-15T19:38:27.933-04:00"True Love in this differs from gold and clay/That to divide is not to take away.” <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">So, I haven’t written here for a very, very long time. In the past nearly three years a lot has happened. My polycule has honestly not changed much in terms of who is involved in it, but their roles in my life have changed. K spent the last two years being monogamous with a guy who they are currently trying to open their relationship with. We are, in some way, shape, or form, still, an item, K, R and I. J and I have recently started dating, taking our ‘friends with benefits’ and ‘broey-ness’ to a different place altogether. He is also dating a long time friend of mine. Things are pretty much the same with D, still a long-term play partner whom I care about deeply.</span></div>
<b id="docs-internal-guid-b9fd8011-0e74-5e6e-b8f1-51992f110159" style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
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<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">So while the structure of some things has changed, and B is gone entirely (friends still, but he is back at monogamy now.) life is still amazing. Relationships shift and change and evolve over time, and that is okay. K and R and I all kind of took some time apart when we split originally. Then when the hurt was a little less, we became friends again, and now it’s entirely clear to all of us that it was a bad time in our lives to try such a thing, but that we are glad we did, and we learned from it, and we are pretty certain that regardless of the form it takes, we will probably always be in each other lives in some loving capacity. We love each other so much, and when we are all together it’s still just fireworks and cuteness and adorbs all over the place. It’s a thing.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
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<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Part of the reason for the split was poor mental health on my and K’s part. Both of us were suffering and didn’t know how to be there for each other, and neither of us knew how to NOT make the other’s situation worse through triggers while we dealt with our own manic and depressive episodes. </span></div>
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<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">R and I are still going strong. We celebrated 22 years on March 9th, 2017. Right now we are dealing with some poor mental health on my part, but that is an ongoing struggle. There are some days when I don’t know how I do it really, but, still, here I am. </span></div>
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<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I plan to come back to this blog. I plan to spruce it up, I’m going to go back and work on the grammar for sure, haha, but I’m going to make this a nice place. Feel free to check back. :)</span></div>
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*~*~*Slutty Heart*~*~*</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10388490131023120621noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-430528604787681203.post-43089168811626217882014-08-16T18:58:00.001-04:002014-08-16T18:59:08.310-04:00Communication is key, or, "I also get laid more" ;)<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I talk about my relationships at work pretty openly, everyone knows I'm poly and regardless of what they think of the CONCEPT, they all know that it works for me and that I'm very happy. The smile I can't seem to wipe off my face tells more a story of my life than I ever could with words. Yet here I am trying anyhow.<br />
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I met and fell in love with my husband going on 20 years ago. At the time I was unknowingly and in that very young and confused person way, madly, truly, and deeply in love with a friend of mine who I was also sleeping with. She loved me too, somehow, but at that age (15 or so) we had no idea the emotions we were swimming in. When R and I got together, there was never even a conversation about non-monogamy. We were 15 and in love and he didn't mind that I had this other girl I loved around. It wasn't just her either, there were other girls, confused girls I'd kiss in the dark. He never did mind.<br />
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When I moved away at age 18, I was doing a lot of research about all different religions when I stumbled on a liberal christian website, ( <a href="http://www.libchrist.com/">www.libchrist.com</a> ) It discussed Polyamory. At the time I was chat friends and phone chat friends with some guys who I found I truly cared about and I didn't get why I couldn't be with other men like I could with women, what was the difference? Nothing was going to change how I felt about R. So...I brought the idea up to him. He agreed to open it all the way.<br />
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My current polycule looks a little like this:<br />
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I am in love and in a committed relationship with R, K and B. I have two other men that I play with, J and D. one that I've been friends with for years, J, but we are kind of like bros though, the other, D, I feel like on some level I do love him. I miss him when we're apart for awhile, and when we're together I get the warm fuzzies. We send each other kisses and hugs and love online when we're apart, but I think we are both pretty polysaturated and know that there's just no room for additional partners with more of an investment than we're willing to give at this point. That's fine, we have what we have, and that's okay.<br />
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So, at work, people keep telling me how it all seems so COMPLICATED> and there are so many CONVERSATIONS....ALL OF THE TIME...WITH ALL OF THE PEOPLE.<br />
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I must say, it's a little disappointing to me that I am capable of multiple relationships with various levels of commitment, which of course, like ALL relationships, take effort, and the monogamous people I spend most of my time with don't seem to see the value in all of this communication. Maybe if more mono minded people put as much effort into their ONE other partner as I put into my multiple partners, they would be walking around with big smiles on their faces too. This came out sounding WAY more superior than I meant it to, but it is what I honestly think so I'm leaving it out there.<br />
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Sure, there are fights, but...there is so much love here, and with that love comes trust, honesty and transparency through communication. I feel all committed individuals, mono, poly, or otherwise identified, should have at the very least, those three things in their relationship toolbox.<br />
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/rant<br />
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*~*~*Slutty Heart*~*~*</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10388490131023120621noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-430528604787681203.post-43702543870785733972014-07-27T21:30:00.000-04:002014-08-03T15:05:57.981-04:00Love with a fearless and faithful abandon....<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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So, my poly family, K, R, B and I all went to the beach together. Our first trip. It was a great time. I'd love to bore you to death with tails of conquering the ocean, seeing the wild horses and dolphins and all the fun stuff we did, but I have something more serious to discuss.<br />
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So when we got back, a couple of weeks went by, things were starting to get to a certain point with B, he started to have doubts and jealousy. As K says, "If every poly person who had jealousy and doubts at some point or another stopped being poly because of those doubts and jealousy, there would be no poly people." Truth.<br />
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A lot of people assume we don't deal with these issues. But we do. Within monogamy, I feel like jealousy means something different than in polyamory. In monogamy, it's like a badge of honor. If your man or woman is jealous, it means they really care about you. I don't see jealousy that way though, I don't see ME being jealous of another person as a sign that I care so much about my partner, more, it seems like if I'm jealous that there is something lacking with me. Am I jealous of the time spent with that person? Their affections? Or is it something far more insidious, like a personal insecurity? Most likely, it is. That is the worst. Because no one wants to look into themselves and see that they doubt their self-worth. Will my partner be my partner forever? Will they find someone else if I "allow" them to see other people outside the group?<br />
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These were some things that B and K were dealing with at the moment. K made a promise that she's not going anywhere that she won't leave, and it was hard for her to be so vulnerable. This promise may have set his mind a bit at ease, but, none of us know what the future will hold. Maybe your other WILL leave you for someone else, or will find a new primary, or maybe you thought you were on equal grounds but suddenly you find yourself a secondary, somehow not knowing it had been that way all the entire time. There are many variables here. No one knows what's coming, what changes our relationships will suffer, and if they would survive those changes. All I know for certain is change is the one thing we can count on. Being a part of a relationship is almost like thrill seeking. Simply because we do not know the ending. Is it happily ever after, which we won't know until our death bed, or is it more of a 'may so and so be damned' situation. We don't know. We can't know. That's what's so amazing about it. You go all in with your emotions, you feel so fully (if you're doing it right) and you are risking it all. Risking your future with this person, risking things like "losing your youth" to someone you've given the 'best years of your life' to (I am quoting my mother here). But....what if....what if they stay.<br />
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What if it is happily ever after? There's only one way to find out.<br />
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So we talked and talked. Then, we talked some more. (If you're poly I'm sure you know how that goes!) Everything got worked out, even if they are issues that no one can ever guarantee the way K tried to guarantee them to B. I think on some level he knows that she can't know that no one will know until we get there. But I think there is faith, and that keeps him around. The faith, the blind, unwavering belief that she will be there for him no matter what the future holds is enough to keep his head above water, though he's nearly drowning in the fear that she will leave.<br />
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I suppose I have the same fears, and in some ways those fears are coming true. R, K and I have always claimed to be non-hierarchical. When push comes to shove though, B is where K's future lies. He can marry her one day and give her the children she someday wants, and we can't. That doesn't mean we have to end, but the dynamic has changed and like I said, change is all we can really count on.<br />
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My advice here to anyone who is questioning their relationship is just to love with a fearless and faithful abandon. If it ends "Don't be sad that it's over, be happy that it happened."<br />
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*~*~*Slutty Heart*~*~*</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10388490131023120621noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-430528604787681203.post-20096858687862179172014-07-06T21:57:00.000-04:002014-08-03T14:19:13.608-04:00"Part of me is made of glass, and also, I love you."<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
The night that the poem A Thousand Nights is referring to was the night I fell in love with B. That was Friday the 13th. A week or so later we're talking, and he says to me, "I'm still afraid to say I love you."<br />
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I froze. I sat there, silent. I had no idea what had just happened. A month or so prior to this, for some context...there was a girl he was sleeping with, a friend. She was in love with him, so he broke it off, he told me about this incident, and I assumed it was a warning to me, "Don't get too close, I don't have the feels for you like that."<br />
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So when I hear "I'm still afraid to say I love you" fall from his lips, suddenly I need to re-evaluate the meaning of all the little things I thought were warnings. The way he always wanted to talk about 'us'.....the way he says "I feel like you deserve more." When I heard those things, what I thought he meant was, "You're not getting too close are you? Just checkin' in on that cuz this isn't going anywhere." or "Maybe you should look elsewhere because I'm not going to give you what you want."<br />
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Suddenly these things took on new meaning, when he was asking about us he was almost baiting me, and when he said I deserved more, what, did that mean he wanted to GIVE more? The carefully crafted facade I'd created to not get too close just shattered before me. (I could feel it, "part of me is made of glass, and also, I love you.") Well, it didn't' truly shatter, but the entire thing cracked, it took one day to come crumbling down afterwards. I had to see him the next day. We had to talk; I told him it wasn't anything bad. I know that he knew, at this point, it was just a formality, but one that had to happen.<br />
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We laid in bed, and he said to me, "I think I know what this is about, but I'm not going to say anything and then look like a fool."<br />
<br />
He knew.<br />
<br />
We both knew he knew.<br />
<br />
I tried hard to look him in the eyes; I didn't want to miss a beat, an emotion flashing behind his eyes, regret, anything that would say "YOU TOTALLY READ THIS SITUATION WRONG".<br />
<br />
I said to him, with an ache in my chest, "On Friday the 13th...."<br />
<br />
"yeah?" He said.<br />
<br />
"On Friday the 13th I fell in love with you."<br />
<br />
"I love you too."<br />
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BAM. POW. DONE. KO'd.<br />
<br />
*~*~*Slutty Heart*~*~*</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10388490131023120621noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-430528604787681203.post-52975452747835477732014-07-06T21:34:00.000-04:002014-07-06T21:34:51.048-04:00A Thousand Nights...<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
A bit after the<a href="http://www.sluttyheart.blogspot.com/2014/06/columbus-took-chance.html"> Columbus Took A Chance </a>poem, I was feeling a little more than just mushy feelings, so.....I wanted to write and B said, "Write about what you want." And this is what came to be:<br />
<br />
<br />
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<b><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">A Thousand Nights<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">We lay in bed the
morning after a night <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">of heavy drinking<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">he tells me he was
thinking 'stuff' <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">about me last night<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"What kind of
stuff?" I ask<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Awesome
stuff." he replies.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I don't want to pry<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">A drunken memory of
the night before<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">plays behind my eyes<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">of him holding my face<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">in both hands<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">and saying<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Do you have any
idea how much you mean to me?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Which I reply with a
shake of the head...no<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">and a kiss<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">abyss deep<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I lock eyes with him<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">and can't help but
wonder if he remembers<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">such shared moments<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">in the dark<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">hot <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">pulsating <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">club <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">at 2 a.m <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">the night before<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">As I write this<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I can't help but think<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">'Part of me is made of
glass'<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">and here I am,
breaking before him<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Tell me what you
want...." He says to me<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">from across the dinner
table<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I get lost in his
eyes, that dark honey brown<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">and his crooked smile<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"I don't really
know" I say<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">That was then<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">today I know<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I know I want him to
hold my hand as we walk<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">and I want a thousand
nights of him <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">holding me tight and
asking if I know how much<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I mean to him.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">A week ago I wanted
less<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">but it's my passion,
you see<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">people<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">and the experience
they can give me<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">good or bad<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I want his place in my
heart to be a <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">patchwork of sex and
crooked smiles<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">hand holding and<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">drunken nights<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">and emo songs playing
in the background<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">on youtube while his
eyebrow arches <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">and he says,
"Want to go into the bedroom?"</span></div>
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">A thousand nights that end that way </span></span></div>
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">
<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">wouldn't be enough.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Tell me what you
want...." He whispers in my ear<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">while I lay naked and
breathless beneath him<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I can't bring myself
to say the words<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">spinning through my
mind, though my body<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">is aching for his
touch<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I want his hands
tugging at my hair<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">his nails tearing at
my flesh<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">his lips on my thighs<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">and his fingers around
my throat<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">as I gasp for air<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">My orgasm pulsing just
below the surface<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">waiting to shoot
through my fingertips<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">my nails tearing at
the sheets<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">and my eyes locking
with his <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">as he gives me that
crooked smile<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">and yes<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">A thousand nights that
end that way<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">wouldn't be enough<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
*~*~*Slutty Heart*~*~*</div>
</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10388490131023120621noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-430528604787681203.post-19485006327887744052014-06-12T21:43:00.000-04:002014-08-03T14:13:55.205-04:00Columbus took a chance<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Lately, there have been some issues with B and I and trying to figure out exactly where things are, where they will go, if anywhere at all, from what B says, it's a 50/50 chance, and hey, I love gambling. What can I say?<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
I wrote this for B, in response to our 'talk' about 'us'.<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><i><u><b>Columbus Took A Chance</b></u></i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I wish I could say this was a story of
unrequited love<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">at least then I would be tragic,
brokenhearted,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">exhausted by my own wretched sobs<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Instead I kind of feel a funny mushy
feeling<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">in your general direction<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I ask you if it's a mistake to care<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">and you tell me wordlessly<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">that it's the very best mistake<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">When I try and walk away<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">you tell me in a song<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"if this means anything at all<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">don't let me leave you."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">And unfortunately it does mean something<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">If only, I knew what<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I know only that I adore the little
bruises<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">you leave behind<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">and your crooked smile<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">the way you whisper "you're
beautiful."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">My other love fears for my one day<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">inevitably broken heart<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I'm a grownup I tell her<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I can take it</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">Some days it's as if my world gets lost</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">in your almond eyes<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">and one day you'll just blink<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">and become a destroyer of worlds<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Maybe there are no wretched sobs in this
story<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">this tale of the funny mushy feeling<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">that I feel in your general direction<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">but there are silent tears<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">banging behind my eyes<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">on nights that I can't find sleep<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Not because I can't imagine me without
you<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">but because I can't imagine not even
letting the reigns go slack<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">not trying, not being naked and truthful
with you<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">not discovering in myself a vulnerable
person<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">willing to let this story unfold<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I would rather ask myself a week from
now<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">a month or a year<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">what have I done?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">with tears shining in my eyes, while I
tell a story<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">of unrequited love<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">than say that I <i>wish</i> I had tried.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/BKdxkVB7kM4?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
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<br />
*~*~*Slutty Heart*~*~*</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10388490131023120621noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-430528604787681203.post-49639677002349161892014-05-29T22:45:00.002-04:002014-08-03T14:10:52.118-04:00Tear you apart...<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
I've been struggling for a couple of weeks to write this post. I don't know why. I don't know what to say. If you've read K's Rants you know that she and her previous partner, C, have split. She is now dating B.<br />
<br />
It seems I am also dating B. It was agonizing for me to write that last sentence. I mean, he's nice, he's open and honest and smokin' hot. But...I am emotionally unavailable in a lot of ways, ways that weren't as obvious to me until he came around. He just SAYS things. Says things that he FEELS. WHAT?! I mean, honestly so does K....but....I feel secure with K I guess? There is this newness to B and this uncertainty. I'm just left silent by a lot of things that he says because I'm kind of like, left looking around like...."Was he talking to me?". *looks over shoulder*<br />
<br />
It's good but painful. In that way good sex is good, but painful. *analogy high five*<br />
<br />
I can not say another word on this subject. It's maddening.<br />
<br />
How about you guys? Any emotionally unavailable polys out there? It seems kind of like an oxymoron or contradiction or some such thing....I'm working on it. Feel free to comment about your emotional unavailability issues or that of a partner and how they may have worked through it. Thanks.<br />
<br />
*~*~*Slutty Heart*~*~*</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10388490131023120621noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-430528604787681203.post-80683746832135336182014-05-15T21:15:00.001-04:002014-08-03T14:07:55.614-04:00Sex. and stuff. and things. yeah...That.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Sexual stuff was a real challenge for all three of us once it came time for that part of our relationship to evolve. There was this one time when the three of us played a bit, and I accidentally leaned on and CRUSHED R's ball's. So yeah, that ended that. You would think. But the real reason that night ended so abruptly was because later down the road K expressed some nervousness about being with me specifically. Mainly because it had been so long since she'd been with a woman, and she had nerves about pleasing me (I bitch about ALL the TONS of bad sex I've had in the past, and it didn't help, she didn't want to be one of those stories.)<br />
<br />
I will be entirely honest. I freaked out in my own way. I got up and started cooking dinner in the middle of us all fooling around. I was, in my head, providing her an out. I started having waves of panic. Was this going to be another situation like with A? I went to bed early, and alone. Everyone started to feel weird and sad and awkward. I saw K sulk past the bedroom door. R went out to check on her at my insistence, in my mind she was drowning her sorrows in wine, or doing some other similarly self-destructive thing.<br />
<br />
When he returned I asked, "Is she okay?"<br />
<br />
"No." He replied<br />
<br />
I panicked..."What's she doing?"<br />
<br />
"She's...eating applesauce. Very. Slowly."<br />
<br />
OMG! The relief. haha, looking back it's kind of hilarious. I called her into the bedroom, and we had a long talk all about her insecurities and mine, and issues and fears I have regarding A and where our relationship would go.<br />
<br />
Since then, sex and such has happened for all of us, and my fears were unfounded, of course. I rarely have these A type thoughts creep up on me, but when they do, there is usually a deep and thoughtful conversation that follows, just to reassure me. Honestly, sometimes all I need is for her to hold me and kiss my forehead and tell me she loves me, and that she's not A. Things are different now, they are beautiful.<br />
<br />
*~*~*Slutty Heart*~*~*</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10388490131023120621noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-430528604787681203.post-16278272091078857502014-03-23T13:37:00.002-04:002014-08-03T14:02:38.042-04:00We are family<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
My family has known that I'm poly for a long while. When I was 28 though, I came out as bisexual. I was in my first triad; my mom was not thrilled about this and at the time she thought that I was dating R and R was dating our then girlfriend A. The only reason I even told her was because A, who had not yet shown herself to be a problem had played an instrumental part in getting me the psych help that I needed. I had gone through a particularly bad depression. I was sitting in the hospital, on the phone with my mom when I said, "So, you know how R is dating A?" She sighed and said "yes." and then I came out with it. "Well, so am I." her response was "Well...that is something you will have to discuss in therapy." CLICK.<br />
<br />
To be entirely honest, I did not have the best family life growing up. My mom decided that this was the reason I am poly, because I had such a shitty childhood that I am trying to recreate a better family dynamic. R had a fabulous family life though, so whatever. Then she proceeded to tell me that we aren't a 'real' family.<br />
<br />
Anyhow, I just want to take this moment to say that I DO have an amazing little poly family with K and R and even though it might not be the normal way to go about having a family, I'm very happy with the way things have turned out for us. We are all so very happy together, and we are a family.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><u><i><b>In the comments below feel free to tell me how your family has reacted to you coming out as lgbt or poly. </b></i></u></span><br />
<br />
*~*~*Slutty Heart*~*~*</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10388490131023120621noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-430528604787681203.post-88912565916188135392014-03-21T22:22:00.000-04:002014-08-03T13:59:21.804-04:00Short and sweet<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Today K got to come home from the psych hospital, she seems to feel so much better, and I love to hear all the hope in her for her future and being well and love and gush and sqee!<br />
<br />
Ahem, I must compose myself.<br />
<br />
Anyhow, I feel like this experience has strengthened our little triad. We went through a rough first month of living together, but it was good at the same time. It's difficult to describe, the way we on one hand watched her cycle between deteriorating and stable and manic to a full blown, "time to call a mobile unit to the house and take her away." Going on a two-hour ride out to the hospital to see her dumb cute face that I missed so much.<br />
<br />
The ride up was stressful. Before we left I was snapping at R badly and just kind of being a bitch in general, it took a good couple of hours before I realized I was dreading the hospital trip. But it was okay, once we got there I honed in and focused on K and how she felt that I didn't have time to think about all of my time with past hospitalizations. That made me feel good. That I was so present in that moment of wanting to be there for her, that I could put my anxieties and fears and weird hospital ptsd shit to bed for an hour or so to be a comfort to her made me feel good. I knew, that moment that I could handle it...then on the way home I heard Unconditionally, and talked to R about how I felt, and that was it. We had sealed the deal. I would tough it out.<br />
<br />
Now she is home though, and I want to go snuggle with her so I'll keep tonight's entry short and sweet.<br />
<br />
*~*~*Slutty Heart*~*~*</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10388490131023120621noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-430528604787681203.post-33917841380031609222014-03-20T20:28:00.000-04:002014-03-20T20:30:59.996-04:00Land of Nod<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<i><u>*note*: I wrote this for k the night she left for the hospital:</u></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<i><u><br /></u></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<i><u><br /></u></i></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<b><i><u>Land of Nod</u></i></b></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
How desperately I want to sleep it all away,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
her pain and desperation, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
my own fears,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
to allow myself to be carried to a dream</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
with she and I,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
where we aren't both ravaged
by mental illness,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
and she is happy and beautiful and her smile infects me,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
and together we don't need strict daily regiments</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
or anti-psychotics,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
or mood stabilizers,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
we only need each other and all of our loves.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
Our loves wish happiness and tranquility upon us</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
but at times our minds can be bricked with an insanity infinite
layers deep</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
and nothing seems to reach. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
She seems so far away.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
I seem so far away, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
here, being well, watching her struggle with her own demons,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
all she wants is a moment to let them out.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
To succumb to all the crazy lacing her days.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
I can give her that, that moment of pure insanity.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
I can let the men in the little white suits come and take her away,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
away,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
where she can finally exhale,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
it's almost like peace...for a moment. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
Too long of a moment,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
and it becomes the rain cloud that
follows you</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
step for aching step, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
and it becomes every waking moment of every crazy day.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
They will poison the madness away with pills and smooth away</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
the jagged edges of insanity with therapy,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
and one day,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
one day she will be happy and beautiful and her smile will
infect me.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
Until then, I will escape her pain through sleep, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
and I will sleep to dream of her meeting me in the land of nod,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
her lips on mine, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
kissing away my fears.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<br />
*~*~*Slutty Heart*~*~*</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10388490131023120621noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-430528604787681203.post-32212888318302147692014-03-19T19:29:00.002-04:002014-08-03T13:52:45.779-04:00Love never dies...<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
With all the commotion about K's hospitalization, I ENTIRELY forgot to mention that R and I got married last Sunday on our 19-year anniversary. The ceremony was beautiful. So many feels!<br />
<br />
We wrote our vows, and we both cried while reading them because we're both pathetic sappy messes of people...<br />
<br />
At that time, K was feeling alright, and we got some nice pics with her before the wedding. We also got some with my best friend and honorary sister, who was in from out of state which was nice; we have so few pics of us together.<br />
<br />
The cupcake stand came out beautifully! Our skeleton cake topper says "love never dies" and everything about that night was amazing. I even drank a bit which I find is bad for me bipolar wise, but I kept it under control and nothing bad happened.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpOCdpPYn2QQ-8NqtZRxDc3cyjZ0opul_9yJmped0E3EqJXtbzRGLOrRPTqR3uy5HTqDKbTbfAvYvv2UzNHp2EbX0hHCn3oyp83BD1R78XrHhrHJINu2hyphenhyphen2M8mg3cUYltEcNlOqpSDx_gn/s1600/cupcakes.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpOCdpPYn2QQ-8NqtZRxDc3cyjZ0opul_9yJmped0E3EqJXtbzRGLOrRPTqR3uy5HTqDKbTbfAvYvv2UzNHp2EbX0hHCn3oyp83BD1R78XrHhrHJINu2hyphenhyphen2M8mg3cUYltEcNlOqpSDx_gn/s1600/cupcakes.jpg" height="640" width="424" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
When we got to the hotel room that night after the wedding reception, I opened the door to our room (on the 19th floor ;) ), to find 19 yellow roses (my fave), chocolate covered strawberries, a chocolate tray, and a bottle of champagne. It was the perfect end to a perfect day. <3<br />
<br />
*~*~* Slutty Heart~*~*~*</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10388490131023120621noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-430528604787681203.post-83036735502515469472014-03-18T20:54:00.000-04:002014-08-03T13:49:06.933-04:00Unconditionally...<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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A couple of weeks ago K and I were talking about relationships and I made the mistake of saying "I could never be with someone like me, I could never deal with that." Now, we both knew that I was referring to someone who was like me prior to 2005. I was unstable, manic for months on end, then crashing and suicidal, refusing to leave the house for an entire year, self-injuring, I was a mess.<br />
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She would later tell me that she couldn't get that thought out of her mind. I had worried that may happen and regretted saying it as soon as the words escaped my lips, but there was no taking it back. I talked to R about it and said I was scared I wouldn't be able to handle it. I said "What if I can't deal with it?" and he said, "You will, because that is just what you do when you love someone." My heart broke. He was right. It was such a simple concept, and my fears kept me from getting it.<br />
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Still, there was the scent of the ER at the psychiatric hospital. It was as if my mind hit rewind to the last time I spent time hospitalized. Fear wrapped its fingers tightly around my throat; I looked at the familiar surroundings, the mentally ill people sleeping on the floor, waiting for a bed to open up somewhere so they could get the treatment they so desperately needed. I used to be one of those people. I hated being there, but I had to, for K. I had to sit by her side and wait for them to take her and make her safe from herself. Honestly, as much as I hated it, I was happy to do it, to return the favor. I never went to the hospital alone; R was always by my side, and now, it was my turn to be that steady hand for someone I loved dearly.<br />
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I talked to K on the phone tonight. I mentioned hearing that song by katy perry, Unconditionally, and how it made me think of her. I know she's worried I'll leave because I won't be able to handle all the crazy inside her. I will though, because that is just what you do when you love someone.<br />
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<span style="background-color: #ccccdd; font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;">"Come just as you are to me</span><br />
<span style="background-color: #ccccdd; font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;">Don't need apologies</span><br />
<span style="background-color: #ccccdd; font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;">Know that you are worthy</span><br />
<b><u><i><span style="background-color: #ccccdd; font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;">I'll take your bad days with your good</span><br style="background-color: #ccccdd; border: 0px none; font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: center;" /><span style="background-color: #ccccdd; font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;">Walk through the storm I would</span><br style="background-color: #ccccdd; border: 0px none; font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: center;" /><span style="background-color: #ccccdd; font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;">I do it all because I love you, I love you</span></i></u></b><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: x-small;"><span style="background-color: #ccccdd;">--Unconditionally, Katy Perry.</span></span></div>
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*~*~*Slutty Heart~*~*~*<br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10388490131023120621noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-430528604787681203.post-69819779605854334492014-03-17T23:30:00.000-04:002014-08-03T13:44:34.704-04:00Feeling a little unwell<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
This weekend has been trying. Some back story:<br />
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K and I are both bipolar. I have been stable for about six years, out of the hospital the entire time. Prior to 2005, I had nearly a dozen hospitalizations. K is as I mentioned before, 13 years my junior. We were both diagnosed at a young age, but she is...still young. When we met, she wasn't on medication and was not in therapy. She had been in the past but then lost her insurance and thought she could handle it on her own.<br />
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Fast forward to this past weekend. She is experiencing a mixed episode; depressed mood and the energy of mania. A mixed episode is a very dangerous time for someone with bipolar disorder. She is suicidal and doesn't know why. Everything in her life is going amazingly well, and she just can't shake the intrusive suicidal obsession that is plaguing her. She's talking about suicide with a calm sort of distance to it. As if she's discussing the way she will fold her laundry and put it away later that evening. Maybe she will buy a syringe and inject bleach into her veins. Maybe she will down a bottle of my anti-psychotic medication and chase it with a bottle or two of my anti-depressants and sleeping pills. There wasn't much of this talk before we got her help.<br />
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Now, sadly, she is inpatient in a psychiatric hospital. We love her too much to let her suffer and worry too much to leave her home alone while we work, and she avoids life, here in our home...with nothing but thoughts of suicide to keep her company.<br />
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I have been in this place. It's destroying me that she has to be there too. I have hope for her though that like me she will find something that works, she will find a way to make herself well again. We will someday be well together, and we won't even look back at those frenzied years we escaped, we will only look forward, to our future together, and all that wellness will bring us.<br />
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*~*~*~Slutty Heart~*~*~*</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10388490131023120621noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-430528604787681203.post-85193220993044634142014-03-17T23:16:00.000-04:002014-08-03T13:39:52.675-04:00I've loved you for a thousand years...<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Lusitana, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="line-height: 24px;">K and I sat in her room one night, and she tells me about how this song makes her think of us, because we were friends for years before anything else came of it:</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Lusitana, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="line-height: 24px;">I remember the way every time we hung out, later that night after I got home, or K left, R would come home and say “you hit it?” Just joking of course, but it was obvious to him at least, that there was something there. Looking back, I could say that I wish I had responded to her in like sooner, but honestly, where we are right now is where we were always meant to be. Our previous years of friendship made our current romantic incarnation effortless. We’re not just falling in love. We’re falling in life, it’s like all the bed hopping I did was me putting a round peg into a square hole and now, we have the right pieces in the right spots and it’s just amazing, we’re sharing our lives together and every moment is beautiful.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Lusitana, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="line-height: 24px;">Today R and I are going to a friend’s pre-wedding bash. K is spending a date day with her primary, C, and tomorrow K, R and I are all going on a running errands/date day. There will be lunch and shopping and movies and groceries, and then we’ll come home and I’ll make a late dinner and of course all of the romance. :)</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Lusitana, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="line-height: 24px;">I haven’t had a real wave of fear in the last two or three days. It feels kind of nice to let things be and progress how they are meant to. Everything will be what it will be, and that is all I could ever expect from this situation. A be damned.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Lusitana, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="line-height: 24px;">*~*~*~Slutty Heart~*~*~*</span></span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10388490131023120621noreply@blogger.com0