Sharing is Caring

Since so much has been going on I feel like today is a two blog post day.
So, onward!

W and I have this monthly kink night we go to at a local swinger club. I asked my husband, R if he would let W borrow the car for us to go to help save money on Uber.  At first, he made a face. R is really intense about the car and I never in a million years thought that asking was even a remotely good idea, but things have been going so well between them lately, I thought I'd give it a shot. I said to him, "Don't answer right now. Take some time to think about it."

Later that night he said it was fine.

So, we go to the kink night, W has to rearrange the mirrors and the steering wheel, he's taller than R, so it's an issue. I worry about the next morning when R will have to fix all the mirrors, that he will think it's a massive pain in the ass and never let W borrow the car again. W gave his car to his ex-wife in the divorce. A new one is in his future, but for now, we Uber or bus generally. W dearly misses driving, so seeing him drive made me so happy,  I could tell he was so into it. Something about this made me so happy and maybe a little hot. W and R are not dating, but I said the other day, I love their blooming bromance. It's something like compersion seeing them get along so well,  R warming up to W is so lovely. Because R does NOT warm to people quickly or easily. This was a hard-won battle in some ways. But, he finally admitted, he doesn't see W leaving any time soon, so he's finally 'letting him in.'

The next day, we are about to Uber out to a club to dance. R says to "just take the car." I'm in shock. I'm so happy beyond words, it might seem like just some small thing, but to me, it's a huge deal and shows a lot of trust. I'm pretty much sitting here crying happy tears as I write this. Life. Is. Good.

Even when it's hard, and that is okay.


*~*~*Slutty Heart*~*~*

The Learning Curve

So, since the last time I blogged here (I plan to start keeping up with this nonsense), a lot has happened. W's divorce has taken longer than expected. It is final February 8th, 2019 and I can. Not. Wait. BUT, since it's taken so long and he happened upon a new love interest, things are moving along sooner than I thought that they would. Also, this new love interest is a good friend of mine (we have been friends for like 15 years.).

I've been poly a very long time. I sometimes see problems coming from a mile away with W, and I call it to his attention and say maybe we can work this out before it becomes an issue. I am then met with 'oh no, no issue.' Then, of course, the thing I was so worried about happening, happens. A lot of the neglect I sometimes feel comes from the fact that they are both experiencing NRE and I really really try and let a lot go due to that. Because I've been there. I'm still there to a degree. I can let a lot slide, but he needs to know it's not an excuse and he has to do better. We had a long talk this morning, about something that happened last night. He admitted where he was wrong and came up with his own suggestions as to how to keep those things from happening in the future. I was kind of proud of him for that. As the more experienced partner, I'd really hate to have all of our problems fall on my shoulders, and I will be the one to try and fix everything.

I'm not sure just how detailed I want to be here. I kind of want to make a poly advice column based on the problems we encounter and post about ways we try and fix those problems. So, maybe look out for more detailed stuff later on, but, just know dear reader, everything is good, I'm happy, and we will tackle issues as they rear their heads. I am cautiously optimistic. ;)

*~*~*Slutty Heart*~*~*

Going from good to bonkers

So, let's discuss a topic near and dear to my heart - Mental health. This is going to be a very long post, but it's important, and I SWEAR it has something to do with poly, even though at first it might not seem that way.

Lately, I've been feeling great. R, my husband, seems annoyed with me lately. When he's annoyed for what seems like absolutely no good reason, it's usually because I'm starting to slide down the slippery manic slope.

So. Just so people know, before I say anything else, just like depression isn't being "just sad" mania isn't being "just happy" either. And I've been at this for so long, that I can see the darkness hiding in the light. I know that even though I have a laundry list of good things going on, I can see the red flags in there, even in the best of happenings.

1.) I'm crushing it at work. We have key performance indicators and I am DESTROYING them with my charisma and charm. haha. This is not a bad thing at all.

2.) Inflated self esteem. (if you couldn't tell from point number 1.) I'm clearly feeling REAL good about myself. My self esteem is great and my value at work is being noticed which only makes me feel even better. Again, not a bad thing. I also feel super pretty.

3.) I keep a fairly strict sleep/wake routine, and eating routine and other such things as a way to monitor my mental health so that when I start to fall away from my patterns, I am more likely to notice it and make note. I generally go to bed between 11:30-12:30 and wake around 7:30 am. Last night I socialized with a new person until 1:30 am and it took everything in me to finally kick him out so I could go to sleep like I knew I should have an hour prior.

4.) I tend to get super generous with my money when I'm hypomanic. Today I bought W a pair of (to be fair, sorely needed) eyeglasses. Not terribly cheap.

5.) I've been fighting the urge to drink lately. I don't drink. At all. It makes me manic. When I'm getting manic, I usually want to give in and drink and just scream into the void to BRING IT ON!

6.) I've been feeling super creative lately and writing more. I AM NOT COMPLAINING. I love to write!

7.) I've been told to 'slow my speech down' a lot lately.

8.) My sex drive is up.

So, while almost all of these things can be considered GOOD things in my life, they are also red flags. Because they eventually, if left unchecked, have a good chance of turning bonkers. This is how it goes:

At first, I crush my numbers at work, I get a lot of accolades and notice of my accomplishments. Then I start to get weird.

 I start sleeping less, socializing more, staying up late, waking up early, maybe I drink, Suddenly my performance starts to slide, and in a big way because I have a job where being charismatic is super important. When actual mania hits, and I start to worry that people can look me in the eye and SEE that I am not mentally well is when it really goes downhill fast. I worry people can see the illness inside me, I stop making eye contact, very important in my job. I start to distance myself from my patients/customers, get snippy with my co workers. It becomes difficult to go to work, to stay at work, to even show up and I talk so fast no one can understand me. I'm told over and over again to slow down while I'm explaining features and benefits, but I can't, so I just annoy people. This hurts my numbers and makes my boss (who knows I am bipolar) worry about me and the business.

 I start pretty much giving away my hard earned cash, taking my friends and sometimes strangers out to expensive dinners, I can't possibly burn through my money fast enough doing that so I start gambling. Tables games sometimes, mostly poker. You should not play poker, manic. NOTE: YOU SHOULD NOT PLAY POKER, MANIC.

Then once I've burned through my cash I start wracking up the debt. Some episodes take months if not longer to recover from financially. I stop going to work. I use up all my PTO, I stay home and fuck strangers I find on tinder because my sex drive is out of this world. I invite them to my house on first meeting and might not even catch their name by the time they are out the door. Then I unmatch them before they reach my porch. This is around the time I'll start hallucinating. Thinking the police are listening to me through my phone, I swear I can hear the police walkie talkie clicking coming from my phone, I hear them, hearing me. Old fashioned phones are ringing in my ear, people are angrily screaming my name, doors that aren't there are slamming. I feel electricity under my skin and I can't get all the energy inside me OUT fast enough and I shake and wring my hands until they are raw. I pace until I've worn a path in the floor. Soon, I'll get violent, and it will all end in a blazing glory of me hiking up the hill to the local psych hospital where I'll go to get my meds straight. Something I should have done long before all that other shit happened.

So yes, I'm keeping an eye out right now, and will up my haldol once I see for sure it's needed.

How does this relate to poly, you are wondering?

Well, I'm good at catching shit these days, I see the bonkers coming in the wave of positive things happening in my life. I find myself saying, "Why can't I ALWAYS feel this way? Why does it have to turn bad?" To which my bipolar partner K replies, "That is a manic sentence if I've ever heard one. And I have. From myself, every time I get manic."

My husband is annoyed at me and it will only get worse and drive a wedge between us if I let this go. K is happy and proud that I'm catching it early. W is saying, "Maybe you are just happy." But he has very little experience with mental health issues and doesn't quite grasp the seriousness of the events unfolding before us.

I'm very happy that I have so many loving people in my life that I can bounce off of and find support from and hell, even teach and help to understand further. If I HAVE to be sick...If I ABSOLUTELY MUST deal with this cyclical, at alternating times depressing and maniacal illness, if it is something, which it always has been (diagnosed at 14, sick long before that.) that I must deal with, in the end I'm glad I'm not dealing with it alone. I'm also so happy to have my polycule, so that I don't drain any one partner with all my bullshit. It makes it easier for me, and I imagine, easier for them, they have each other, I have each of them, no one person has to bear the weight of my sickness. We share this...I hate to say burden but in all honesty it is a burden. We share this burden and it makes the load a little less heavy for each who must carry it with them. For that, I am grateful.

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TL;DR

*I suffer from a wretched mental illness and am so happy I have multiple loves in my life to help me carry this burden.*

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*~*~*Slutty Heart*~*~*

What a difference a year makes...

Around this time last year I was very happy with all of my relationships and all the forms they were taking. In that year I lost a bf. It was for the best and we are still friends. I'm also still friends with my ex meta. Everything ended on good terms and is the best option for all involved. He had warned me ahead of time he could barely handle one woman, let alone two. I didn't listen,  he was right, and I saw it with my own eyes and opted out.

This past February I met a man and I have the madly, truly, deeply type lovings for him. In past relationships, I  honestly settled a lot. Because I am acutely aware not one person will fill every need I have as a human being. So I let a lot slide, but some things were too big to let go. Which is why I had to leave one of my relationships last year. I feel very fulfilled and I don't feel like I am settling AND I feel like my needs are being met my by current polycule better than ever before. I am still with K, R and I'm connected to D still now more than ever, but, also, W. W has been around almost 4 months now, and we are very compatible. We met two years ago, tried to date, but it wasn't the right time in our lives. Now, things are much different and everything is cool. The fact he's going through a divorce (in small part due to him deciding he is definitely poly and his wife decided after trying it that she is definitely not.) is a little messy but otherwise things are great.

Something I find is a challenge to me in relationships is trusting people enough to make them feel that I am fully invested in the relationship and also being vulnerable. I'm not terribly trusting when it comes to the big stuff and I'm never, ever, vulnerable to new people. Chalk it up to the usual, getting burned one too many times in the past.

Lately I have been changing, I've been trusting, I've been vulnerable with K in ways I haven't before and also W has opened up a vulnerable side to me I didn't even know existed. Part of it is just this time in my life, and part of it is the influence of people who care about me begging to be let in. I just can't keep building walls to keep people out and then expect them to stick around. I can't.

Anyhow....it's JUNE! Pride month. I'm going to a pride event tonight with K, W and maybe R if he's feeling up to socializing. I'm super excited. :D

Also, I'm going to anthrocon again this year, I now have a fursona (lexi, she's a skunk!) and I hope to get some art this year commissioned at least of K and I, if not others pieces as well.

Fun times to be had by all.  :)

*~*~*Slutty Heart*~*~*

#PolyCommunity

I posted yesterday about my amazing poly family, but there is something beyond that, which has been pretty life changing for me as well. I posted something about poly the other day and a bunch of people on my facebook ‘liked’ or ‘loved’ it or whatever. I looked at the people who did so, and they were all poly people I know, (makes sense) but it hadn’t prior to this, occurred to me, that I have a really great poly network and community as well. About a year or so ago I started to attend kink meet ups, then poly meetups, and I’m considering going to a bipgh meeting tomorrow.

My husband and I go back and forth on this. He’s quite introverted though trying desperately to change that fact. He doesn’t like groups or people in general. He also thinks that ‘the way you relationship’ isn’t enough of a thing to have in common with people to form any type of friendship or community with them.

He’s been coming to meetups and such lately. We do have a lot in common with many of the people in the groups, not just the fact that we are all poly, but poly seems to attract a certain type of person for the most part and they kind of seem to be ‘our people’. For the most part.

I live in Pittsburgh. We seem to have a large and fairly diverse poly community, and it has been something of a comfort to me. Yeah, maybe we just all ‘relationship the same way’, but there are challenges and joys that come along with that that literally, no other non-poly person can appreciate the way we can. I’m hoping to get more involved and make some new friends at some upcoming meetups. If you are interested and live in the Pittsburgh area, there’s a website now: www.polyinpgh.com check it out and come make some frands! :) Community is important. :)

*~*~*Slutty Heart*~*~*

"Friends are family you choose for yourself."

A woman at work said to me
“I get the gay thing, the bi thing, I don’t get the non-monogamous thing.”

I can’t help but wonder why people have such difficulty with this. I GET the monogamous thing, and that is that I GET it, literally, without ever having been monogamous myself. I don’t see the appeal, but I’m not bothered by it, nor do I find it particularly mind-boggling.

I can only speak from my own experience.
I am at work, so I don’t say to her, what I want to say, which is: 

Hey lady, if you think loving and being loved by one amazing person is incredible, try adding a few more and see maybe if you aren’t walking around with a smile plastered on your face all day too.

I feel so much joy in my poly life. Someone asked me today how my life was going, we hadn’t spoken in a while, and they said, “How is poly life treating you?” I’m so lucky, that even when my life is in shambles at work, when my mental health is in disarray and my physical health is failing too….the one constant is that my relationships are all fantastic in their own ways. I have such an amazing poly family, I can not begin to express my gratitude here. I am loved, and it feels really, really lovely. :)

My mom always said I was poly because I came from a broken/unstable family life. This could be true. I can’t really say, but if I had set out to create a better family for myself, than the cold and unloving one that I grew up with as a child, then I did a DAMN excellent job of it. Because I am surrounded by people who love me, and I love them, and we are family. I have such a strong sense of family with all of these people, and I just could not imagine my life without them at this point. They have all been around from the ‘newest’ partner, at 5 years to the ‘oldest’ partner of 22 years. These people are not flings or romp n’ roll in the hay playtime buddies. These are people I’m making memories with, memories that will last a lifetime. People who I can count on, who care about me, people who I am lucky to call partners and privileged to call family. If I somehow have set out subconsciously to build the perfect, loving, caring, supportive family, fuck it, I’ve succeeded.

For those who just don’t get it, or think I’m just being slutty, you have entirely missed the point. 

*~*~*Slutty Heart*~*~*

"True Love in this differs from gold and clay/That to divide is not to take away.”

So, I haven’t written here for a very, very long time. In the past nearly three years a lot has happened. My polycule has honestly not changed much in terms of who is involved in it, but their roles in my life have changed. K spent the last two years being monogamous with a guy who they are currently trying to open their relationship with. We are, in some way, shape, or form, still, an item, K, R and I. J and I have recently started dating, taking our ‘friends with benefits’ and ‘broey-ness’ to a different place altogether. He is also dating a long time friend of mine. Things are pretty much the same with D, still a long-term play partner whom I care about deeply.

So while the structure of some things has changed, and B is gone entirely (friends still, but he is back at monogamy now.) life is still amazing. Relationships shift and change and evolve over time, and that is okay. K and R and I all kind of took some time apart when we split originally. Then when the hurt was a little less, we became friends again, and now it’s entirely clear to all of us that it was a bad time in our lives to try such a thing, but that we are glad we did, and we learned from it, and we are pretty certain that regardless of the form it takes, we will probably always be in each other lives in some loving capacity. We love each other so much, and when we are all together it’s still just fireworks and cuteness and adorbs all over the place. It’s a thing.

Part of the reason for the split was poor mental health on my and K’s part. Both of us were suffering and didn’t know how to be there for each other, and neither of us knew how to NOT make the other’s situation worse through triggers while we dealt with our own manic and depressive episodes.

R and I are still going strong. We celebrated 22 years on March 9th, 2017. Right now we are dealing with some poor mental health on my part, but that is an ongoing struggle. There are some days when I don’t know how I do it really, but, still, here I am.

I plan to come back to this blog. I plan to spruce it up, I’m going to go back and work on the grammar for sure, haha, but I’m going to make this a nice place. Feel free to check back. :)

*~*~*Slutty Heart*~*~*