In Other News...

I had a bunch of pics posted on here but then I forgot I'm trying not to be identified on this blog quite yet. Here is a pic of my black, red, and silver locking collar.

So we went up to an overlook here in the city where we went on our first FIRST date (the one 3 years ago when I broke things off because it seemed clear his wife wasn't as into it as he had hoped). That night there was a little drizzle. So, 3 years later, and after our official 1 year (second chances should be my middle name), anniversary, we headed back up to the overlook and exchanged commitment jewelry.  He got me this lovely collar!

This is Sir's matching ring: 

So, there's that ;) 

On our way back, it started to drizzle as we walked to the car. Such romance, much memories, very swoon. :)

*~*~*Slutty Heart*~*~*

Here's to Second Chances

Something has happened that led to me realizing my failings within a poly framework.  If I'm honest, my friend  betrayed me, she was who was briefly dating my partner, W. Was my reaction to these betrayals out of hand? Yes. Could I have handled it better? Of course.  But the fact of the matter is I did not manage to control myself and things got out of hand and turned into a screaming fit.

I realized that after three strikes I could not continue to give my blessing for their relationship. I did not ask that they stop seeing each other, I'm a firm believer that I can only control how I react to a situation. I had the option to leave, and I explored that option, let them have at it. It boiled down to me trying to save our friendship before things got too out of hand with X. This probably didn't work. I sent her an e-mail, and she hasn't replied. She had mentioned wanting to talk, and I asked her to e-mail me, I didn't feel up to an in-person conversation. I got sick of waiting to hear from her, so I mailed her about the issues we had. She hasn't responded. I don't know if I even want her to, to be honest.  I don't think that our friendship will have survived all of this mess. We were good friends but piss poor metas.  I guess sometimes that happens. :(

I'm the kind of person who needs to know where things are going and when. Like when she said "I"m not going to date W, I don't want it to affect our friendship." I took her at her word.  Even though she had my blessing before that, when she said she wasn't going to mess with him, that was my expectation. Then not a day later and he's in her bed. It was that sort of thing two other times, and it just got to be too much with the poor communication and what I considered to be lies.  W is not free from blame in all of this either, but with him, it was mostly poor communication.

I want him to be happy, and I want to have compersion for him. For the first time in his life, he is free to love how he pleases, and I wish that for him. I think maybe X was just a poor choice in potential partners.

I look forward to us reading More Than Two together and figuring out both of our bullshit and issues together.

Poor mental health played a big part in all of this as well. In December I was in a mixed episode, then in January I had pneumonia and the flu and I was on prednisone, the first day of the step-down pack is the worst, it made me want to put my face through a brick wall. X was on steroids for a similar issue as well so we were going for the throat it seemed.

For now, W is waiting to find other partners until he gets his divorce decree in the mail and can kick his ex-wife and her boyfriend out of his house. That was the original plan, and since this backfired so spectacularly, he has decided waiting is for the best.

In closing, I know I am not perfect, and I'm willing to work on my missteps within our relationship.  Here's to 2nd chances.





*~*~*Slutty Heart*~*~*

Wolfgun-Dawn

So far everything is worked out with W's new interest. We had some decent bumps in the beginning but, here we are. They are on a date, and I'm doing okay. Previously I was in the middle of some mental health struggles and it was the exact wrong time to start introducing his first new partner in a year. BUT, I pushed for them to do what they wanted because I felt wrong saying, "I'm unwell, can we hold off on adding new partners until my meds are straight?" (I have now been told to do just that in the future by W.) So, I suppose I could have handled all of that better.

Now that my meds are straight and I'm feeling okay, I get only the slightest tightness in my chest, like anxiety, when he leaves me to be with her. This is our first time with him dating anyone else since he left his wife. I am certain soon enough that will turn to compersion cuz that's just who I am.  I trust him, but even though she and I have been friends for 15 years, I've never been in a relationship/relationship adjacent to her before. I don't know how she handles things, especially in a poly setting, as she's a little newish to it.  So, I told him, nothing will change my fears except time and experience, and I'm willing to wait for both.

Now, on to the important stuff. W and I have a song!!!!!! There is this song we like, and he put it on a playlist he's making me out of all the songs I like that he plays when we are out driving. But, this song came on last night. The beginning is so dreamy. Anyhow, when it came on, I was looking at him, and I was about to say "Hey, turn it up," but I didn't get the chance, because he was already turning it up. and it was just such a sweet moment and we just sat there in silence. I smiled and said, "This is our song" I'm sure that maybe it seemed super meaningful because I was stoned, but there was something about the way the streetlights were catching the light in his eyes in that moment....

*Watch our lives drift away, they burn out quietly.*

*~*~*Slutty Heart*~*~*

Reason # 4637848 Polyamory is awesome

About two months ago I had, what seemed like maybe a sinus infection that was annoying enough to make me feel tired and run down, but not out of it enough to go to the doc. Then I got laryngitis and some chest congestion, again, I did not go to the Dr.

Yesterday around 10 a.m I started to have chest pains on inhalation on my right side. My boyfriend W had errands to run but offered to take me to the ER. I did not want to be a burden, "It's the ER, I will be there all day." I told him to run his errands. Then I went to make an appointment with my PCP but was on hold for so long I gave up. Then I considered Med Express, but for some reason, it charges me 200$ (er visit fee) for  Med Express, and I figured they might want to run tests that can't be run there. So they may refer me to the ER anyhow, another 200$. (I'm not going to get into the sad state of health care here in the US) W told me to go. So, I let him take me. My husband, R is at work, and W happened to have his moms car that day, so if it had to happen, it was a good day for it.

While being checked in, they asked about my emergency contacts. They had R listed, and I asked if they could add  W. They asked what the relationship was and I said "boyfriend"  The check-in lady, sweet as can be said to me "Oh do you want me to take R off of here?" And I said no. She looked at me funny. I said, "We have an open relationship, it's fine." She looked at me and said, "I have a question,  is it fun?"

"Ha! Yes," I replied, "I have lots of love in my life."

After having a CT scan, they said I had 'substantial pneumonia.' They said two of my three lobes in my lungs were infected and that I could go home, but I would end up back in the er the next day. They wanted to keep me maybe 2-3 days on an iv drip to get rid of it.

By the time we figured everything out six hours later, R had finished work, so he packed a bag and brought it to me. I was a little worried about all this, missing work, etc. But, both R and  W came to visit me and bring my bag upstairs when I went to my room. Then they each sat with me for a few hours, and we talked, laughed, it was an excellent stress relief.  My comet partner is going to pick me up tomorrow, and my girlfriend was unable to visit but has been chatting with me to check in.. I'm glad I have so much love and support in my life.  Early this morning W came to visit, and R is coming later.

I'm grateful  W nagged me just to come. I'm glad R was home so that he could easily bring me some stuff.  I feel so loved and protected by my polycule. It is fantastic when all these people love and care about you.  I never really had that growing up, and it makes me appreciate it so much more as an adult.

As I've said in past blog posts, my mom always said I was poly because I was trying to recreate a better family life than what I had as a child. Maybe she's right, but anyhow, the whole "it takes a village" isn't just for kids. Everyone should be so lucky to have all this love in their life. I am glad, even sitting here in this hospital bed, that I am so loved, and it's excellent. :)

*~*~*Slutty Heart*~*~*

Sharing is Caring

Since so much has been going on I feel like today is a two blog post day.
So, onward!

W and I have this monthly kink night we go to at a local swinger club. I asked my husband, R if he would let W borrow the car for us to go to help save money on Uber.  At first, he made a face. R is really intense about the car and I never in a million years thought that asking was even a remotely good idea, but things have been going so well between them lately, I thought I'd give it a shot. I said to him, "Don't answer right now. Take some time to think about it."

Later that night he said it was fine.

So, we go to the kink night, W has to rearrange the mirrors and the steering wheel, he's taller than R, so it's an issue. I worry about the next morning when R will have to fix all the mirrors, that he will think it's a massive pain in the ass and never let W borrow the car again. W gave his car to his ex-wife in the divorce. A new one is in his future, but for now, we Uber or bus generally. W dearly misses driving, so seeing him drive made me so happy,  I could tell he was so into it. Something about this made me so happy and maybe a little hot. W and R are not dating, but I said the other day, I love their blooming bromance. It's something like compersion seeing them get along so well,  R warming up to W is so lovely. Because R does NOT warm to people quickly or easily. This was a hard-won battle in some ways. But, he finally admitted, he doesn't see W leaving any time soon, so he's finally 'letting him in.'

The next day, we are about to Uber out to a club to dance. R says to "just take the car." I'm in shock. I'm so happy beyond words, it might seem like just some small thing, but to me, it's a huge deal and shows a lot of trust. I'm pretty much sitting here crying happy tears as I write this. Life. Is. Good.

Even when it's hard, and that is okay.


*~*~*Slutty Heart*~*~*

The Learning Curve

So, since the last time I blogged here (I plan to start keeping up with this nonsense), a lot has happened. W's divorce has taken longer than expected. It is final February 8th, 2019 and I can. Not. Wait. BUT, since it's taken so long and he happened upon a new love interest, things are moving along sooner than I thought that they would. Also, this new love interest is a good friend of mine (we have been friends for like 15 years.).

I've been poly a very long time. I sometimes see problems coming from a mile away with W, and I call it to his attention and say maybe we can work this out before it becomes an issue. I am then met with 'oh no, no issue.' Then, of course, the thing I was so worried about happening, happens. A lot of the neglect I sometimes feel comes from the fact that they are both experiencing NRE and I really really try and let a lot go due to that. Because I've been there. I'm still there to a degree. I can let a lot slide, but he needs to know it's not an excuse and he has to do better. We had a long talk this morning, about something that happened last night. He admitted where he was wrong and came up with his own suggestions as to how to keep those things from happening in the future. I was kind of proud of him for that. As the more experienced partner, I'd really hate to have all of our problems fall on my shoulders, and I will be the one to try and fix everything.

I'm not sure just how detailed I want to be here. I kind of want to make a poly advice column based on the problems we encounter and post about ways we try and fix those problems. So, maybe look out for more detailed stuff later on, but, just know dear reader, everything is good, I'm happy, and we will tackle issues as they rear their heads. I am cautiously optimistic. ;)

*~*~*Slutty Heart*~*~*

Going from good to bonkers

So, let's discuss a topic near and dear to my heart - Mental health. This is going to be a very long post, but it's important, and I SWEAR it has something to do with poly, even though at first it might not seem that way.

Lately, I've been feeling great. R, my husband, seems annoyed with me lately. When he's annoyed for what seems like absolutely no good reason, it's usually because I'm starting to slide down the slippery manic slope.

So. Just so people know, before I say anything else, just like depression isn't being "just sad" mania isn't being "just happy" either. And I've been at this for so long, that I can see the darkness hiding in the light. I know that even though I have a laundry list of good things going on, I can see the red flags in there, even in the best of happenings.

1.) I'm crushing it at work. We have key performance indicators and I am DESTROYING them with my charisma and charm. haha. This is not a bad thing at all.

2.) Inflated self esteem. (if you couldn't tell from point number 1.) I'm clearly feeling REAL good about myself. My self esteem is great and my value at work is being noticed which only makes me feel even better. Again, not a bad thing. I also feel super pretty.

3.) I keep a fairly strict sleep/wake routine, and eating routine and other such things as a way to monitor my mental health so that when I start to fall away from my patterns, I am more likely to notice it and make note. I generally go to bed between 11:30-12:30 and wake around 7:30 am. Last night I socialized with a new person until 1:30 am and it took everything in me to finally kick him out so I could go to sleep like I knew I should have an hour prior.

4.) I tend to get super generous with my money when I'm hypomanic. Today I bought W a pair of (to be fair, sorely needed) eyeglasses. Not terribly cheap.

5.) I've been fighting the urge to drink lately. I don't drink. At all. It makes me manic. When I'm getting manic, I usually want to give in and drink and just scream into the void to BRING IT ON!

6.) I've been feeling super creative lately and writing more. I AM NOT COMPLAINING. I love to write!

7.) I've been told to 'slow my speech down' a lot lately.

8.) My sex drive is up.

So, while almost all of these things can be considered GOOD things in my life, they are also red flags. Because they eventually, if left unchecked, have a good chance of turning bonkers. This is how it goes:

At first, I crush my numbers at work, I get a lot of accolades and notice of my accomplishments. Then I start to get weird.

 I start sleeping less, socializing more, staying up late, waking up early, maybe I drink, Suddenly my performance starts to slide, and in a big way because I have a job where being charismatic is super important. When actual mania hits, and I start to worry that people can look me in the eye and SEE that I am not mentally well is when it really goes downhill fast. I worry people can see the illness inside me, I stop making eye contact, very important in my job. I start to distance myself from my patients/customers, get snippy with my co workers. It becomes difficult to go to work, to stay at work, to even show up and I talk so fast no one can understand me. I'm told over and over again to slow down while I'm explaining features and benefits, but I can't, so I just annoy people. This hurts my numbers and makes my boss (who knows I am bipolar) worry about me and the business.

 I start pretty much giving away my hard earned cash, taking my friends and sometimes strangers out to expensive dinners, I can't possibly burn through my money fast enough doing that so I start gambling. Tables games sometimes, mostly poker. You should not play poker, manic. NOTE: YOU SHOULD NOT PLAY POKER, MANIC.

Then once I've burned through my cash I start wracking up the debt. Some episodes take months if not longer to recover from financially. I stop going to work. I use up all my PTO, I stay home and fuck strangers I find on tinder because my sex drive is out of this world. I invite them to my house on first meeting and might not even catch their name by the time they are out the door. Then I unmatch them before they reach my porch. This is around the time I'll start hallucinating. Thinking the police are listening to me through my phone, I swear I can hear the police walkie talkie clicking coming from my phone, I hear them, hearing me. Old fashioned phones are ringing in my ear, people are angrily screaming my name, doors that aren't there are slamming. I feel electricity under my skin and I can't get all the energy inside me OUT fast enough and I shake and wring my hands until they are raw. I pace until I've worn a path in the floor. Soon, I'll get violent, and it will all end in a blazing glory of me hiking up the hill to the local psych hospital where I'll go to get my meds straight. Something I should have done long before all that other shit happened.

So yes, I'm keeping an eye out right now, and will up my haldol once I see for sure it's needed.

How does this relate to poly, you are wondering?

Well, I'm good at catching shit these days, I see the bonkers coming in the wave of positive things happening in my life. I find myself saying, "Why can't I ALWAYS feel this way? Why does it have to turn bad?" To which my bipolar partner K replies, "That is a manic sentence if I've ever heard one. And I have. From myself, every time I get manic."

My husband is annoyed at me and it will only get worse and drive a wedge between us if I let this go. K is happy and proud that I'm catching it early. W is saying, "Maybe you are just happy." But he has very little experience with mental health issues and doesn't quite grasp the seriousness of the events unfolding before us.

I'm very happy that I have so many loving people in my life that I can bounce off of and find support from and hell, even teach and help to understand further. If I HAVE to be sick...If I ABSOLUTELY MUST deal with this cyclical, at alternating times depressing and maniacal illness, if it is something, which it always has been (diagnosed at 14, sick long before that.) that I must deal with, in the end I'm glad I'm not dealing with it alone. I'm also so happy to have my polycule, so that I don't drain any one partner with all my bullshit. It makes it easier for me, and I imagine, easier for them, they have each other, I have each of them, no one person has to bear the weight of my sickness. We share this...I hate to say burden but in all honesty it is a burden. We share this burden and it makes the load a little less heavy for each who must carry it with them. For that, I am grateful.

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TL;DR

*I suffer from a wretched mental illness and am so happy I have multiple loves in my life to help me carry this burden.*

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*~*~*Slutty Heart*~*~*