Here's to Second Chances

Something has happened that led to me realizing my failings within a poly framework.  If I'm honest, my friend  betrayed me, she was who was briefly dating my partner, W. Was my reaction to these betrayals out of hand? Yes. Could I have handled it better? Of course.  But the fact of the matter is I did not manage to control myself and things got out of hand and turned into a screaming fit.

I realized that after three strikes I could not continue to give my blessing for their relationship. I did not ask that they stop seeing each other, I'm a firm believer that I can only control how I react to a situation. I had the option to leave, and I explored that option, let them have at it. It boiled down to me trying to save our friendship before things got too out of hand with X. This probably didn't work. I sent her an e-mail, and she hasn't replied. She had mentioned wanting to talk, and I asked her to e-mail me, I didn't feel up to an in-person conversation. I got sick of waiting to hear from her, so I mailed her about the issues we had. She hasn't responded. I don't know if I even want her to, to be honest.  I don't think that our friendship will have survived all of this mess. We were good friends but piss poor metas.  I guess sometimes that happens. :(

I'm the kind of person who needs to know where things are going and when. Like when she said "I"m not going to date W, I don't want it to affect our friendship." I took her at her word.  Even though she had my blessing before that, when she said she wasn't going to mess with him, that was my expectation. Then not a day later and he's in her bed. It was that sort of thing two other times, and it just got to be too much with the poor communication and what I considered to be lies.  W is not free from blame in all of this either, but with him, it was mostly poor communication.

I want him to be happy, and I want to have compersion for him. For the first time in his life, he is free to love how he pleases, and I wish that for him. I think maybe X was just a poor choice in potential partners.

I look forward to us reading More Than Two together and figuring out both of our bullshit and issues together.

Poor mental health played a big part in all of this as well. In December I was in a mixed episode, then in January I had pneumonia and the flu and I was on prednisone, the first day of the step-down pack is the worst, it made me want to put my face through a brick wall. X was on steroids for a similar issue as well so we were going for the throat it seemed.

For now, W is waiting to find other partners until he gets his divorce decree in the mail and can kick his ex-wife and her boyfriend out of his house. That was the original plan, and since this backfired so spectacularly, he has decided waiting is for the best.

In closing, I know I am not perfect, and I'm willing to work on my missteps within our relationship.  Here's to 2nd chances.





*~*~*Slutty Heart*~*~*

Short and sweet

Today K got to come home from the psych hospital, she seems to feel so much better, and I love to hear all the hope in  her for her future and being well and love and gush and sqee!

Ahem, I must compose myself.

Anyhow, I feel like this experience has strengthened our little triad. We went through a rough first month of living together, but it was good at the same time. It's difficult to describe, the way we on one hand watched her cycle between deteriorating and stable and manic to a full blown, "time to call a mobile unit to the house and take her away."  Going on a two-hour ride out to the hospital to see her dumb cute face that I missed so much.

The ride up was stressful. Before we left I was snapping at R badly and just kind of being a bitch in general, it took a good couple of hours before I realized I was dreading the hospital trip. But it was okay, once we got there I honed in and focused on K and how she felt that I didn't have time to think about all of my time with past hospitalizations. That made me feel good. That I was so present in that moment of wanting to be there for her, that I could put my anxieties and fears and weird hospital ptsd shit to bed for an hour or so to be a comfort to her made me feel good. I knew, that moment that I could handle it...then on the way home I heard Unconditionally, and talked to R about how I felt, and that was it. We had sealed the deal. I would tough it out.

Now she is home though, and I want to go snuggle with her so I'll keep tonight's entry short and sweet.

*~*~*Slutty Heart*~*~*

Land of Nod

*note*: I wrote this for k the night she left for the hospital:

Land of Nod

How desperately I want to sleep it all away,

her pain and desperation, 

my own fears,

to allow myself to be carried to a dream

with she and I,

where we aren't both ravaged by mental illness,

and she is happy and beautiful and her smile infects me,

and together we don't need strict daily regiments

or anti-psychotics,

or mood stabilizers,

we only need each other and all of our loves.

Our loves wish happiness and tranquility upon us

but at times our minds can be bricked with an insanity infinite layers deep

and nothing seems to reach.

She seems so far away.

I seem so far away,

here, being well, watching her struggle with her own demons,

all she wants is a moment to let them out.

To succumb to all the crazy lacing her days.

I can give her that, that moment of pure insanity.

I can let the men in the little white suits come and take her away,

away,

where she can finally exhale,

it's almost like peace...for a moment.

Too long of a moment,

 and it becomes the rain cloud that follows you

step for aching step,

and it becomes every waking moment of every crazy day.

They will poison the madness away with pills and smooth away

the jagged edges of insanity with therapy,

 and one day,

one day she will be happy and beautiful and her smile will infect me.

Until then, I will escape her pain through sleep,

and I will sleep to dream of her meeting me in the land of nod,

 her lips on mine,

kissing away my fears.

*~*~*Slutty Heart*~*~*

Love never dies...

With all the commotion about K's hospitalization, I ENTIRELY forgot to mention that R and I got married last Sunday on our 19-year anniversary. The ceremony was beautiful. So many feels!

We wrote our vows, and we both cried while reading them because we're both pathetic sappy messes of people...

At that time, K was feeling alright, and we got some nice pics with her before the wedding. We also got some with my best friend and honorary sister, who was in from out of state which was nice; we have so few pics of us together.

The cupcake stand came out beautifully! Our skeleton cake topper says "love never dies" and everything about that night was amazing. I even drank a bit which I find is bad for me bipolar wise, but I kept it under control and nothing bad happened.

When we got to the hotel room that night after the wedding reception, I opened the door to our room (on the 19th floor ;) ), to find 19 yellow roses (my fave), chocolate covered strawberries, a chocolate tray, and a bottle of champagne. It was the perfect end to a perfect day. <3

*~*~* Slutty Heart~*~*~*

Unconditionally...

A couple of weeks ago K and I were talking about relationships and I made the mistake of saying "I could never be with someone like me, I could never deal with that." Now, we both knew that I was referring to someone who was like me prior to 2005. I was unstable, manic for months on end, then crashing and suicidal, refusing to leave the house for an entire year, self-injuring, I was a mess.

She would later tell me that she couldn't get that thought out of her mind. I had worried that may happen and regretted saying it as soon as the words escaped my lips, but there was no taking it back. I talked to R about it and said I was scared I wouldn't be able to handle it. I said "What if I can't deal with it?" and he said, "You will, because that is just what you do when you love someone." My heart broke. He was right. It was such a simple concept, and my fears kept me from getting it.

Still, there was the scent of the ER at the psychiatric hospital. It was as if my mind hit rewind to the last time I spent time hospitalized. Fear wrapped its fingers tightly around my throat; I looked at the familiar surroundings, the mentally ill people sleeping on the floor, waiting for a bed to open up somewhere so they could get the treatment they so desperately needed. I used to be one of those people. I hated being there, but I had to, for K. I had to sit by her side and wait for them to take her and make her safe from herself. Honestly, as much as I hated it, I was happy to do it, to return the favor. I never went to the hospital alone; R was always by my side, and now, it was my turn to be that steady hand for someone I loved dearly.

I talked to K on the phone tonight. I mentioned hearing that song by katy perry, Unconditionally, and how it made me think of her. I know she's worried I'll leave because I won't be able to handle all the crazy inside her. I will though, because that is just what you do when you love someone.

"Come just as you are to me
Don't need apologies
Know that you are worthy
I'll take your bad days with your good
Walk through the storm I would
I do it all because I love you, I love you

--Unconditionally, Katy Perry.

*~*~*Slutty Heart~*~*~*

Feeling a little unwell

This weekend has been trying. Some back story:

K and I are both bipolar. I have been stable for about six years, out of the hospital the entire time. Prior to 2005, I had nearly a dozen hospitalizations. K is as I mentioned before, 13 years my junior. We were both diagnosed at a young age, but she is...still young. When we met, she wasn't on medication and was not in therapy. She had been in the past but then lost her insurance and thought she could handle it on her own.

Fast forward to this past weekend. She is experiencing a mixed episode; depressed mood and the energy of mania. A mixed episode is a very dangerous time for someone with bipolar disorder. She is suicidal and doesn't know why. Everything in her life is going amazingly well, and she just can't shake the intrusive suicidal obsession that is plaguing her. She's talking about suicide with a calm sort of distance to it. As if she's discussing the way she will fold her laundry and put it away later that evening. Maybe she will buy a syringe and inject bleach into her veins. Maybe she will down a bottle of my anti-psychotic medication and chase it with a bottle or two of my anti-depressants and sleeping pills. There wasn't much of this talk before we got her help.

Now, sadly, she is inpatient in a psychiatric hospital. We love her too much to let her suffer and worry too much to leave her home alone while we work, and she avoids life, here in our home...with nothing but thoughts of suicide to keep her company.

I have been in this place. It's destroying me that she has to be there too. I have hope for her though that like me she will find something that works, she will find a way to make herself well again. We will someday be well together, and we won't even look back at those frenzied years we escaped, we will only look forward, to our future together, and all that wellness will bring us.

*~*~*~Slutty Heart~*~*~*