"Part of me is made of glass, and also, I love you."

The night that the poem A Thousand Nights is referring to was the night I fell in love with B. That was Friday the 13th. A week or so later we're talking, and he says to me, "I'm still afraid to say I love you."

I froze. I sat there, silent. I had no idea what had just happened. A month or so prior to this, for some context...there was a girl he was sleeping with, a friend. She was in love with him, so he broke it off, he told me about this incident, and I assumed it was a warning to me, "Don't get too close, I don't have the feels for you like that."

So when I hear "I'm still afraid to say I love you" fall from his lips, suddenly I need to re-evaluate the meaning of all the little things I thought were warnings. The way he always wanted to talk about 'us'.....the way he says "I feel like you deserve more." When I heard those things, what I thought he meant was, "You're not getting too close are you? Just checkin' in on that cuz this isn't going anywhere." or "Maybe you should look elsewhere because I'm not going to give you what you want."

Suddenly these things took on new meaning, when he was asking about us he was almost baiting me, and when he said I deserved more, what, did that mean he wanted to GIVE more? The carefully crafted facade I'd created to not get too close just shattered before me. (I could feel it, "part of me is made of glass, and also, I love you.")  Well, it didn't' truly shatter, but the entire thing cracked, it took one day to come crumbling down afterwards. I had to see him the next day. We had to talk; I told him it wasn't anything bad. I know that he knew, at this point, it was just a formality, but one that had to happen.

We laid in bed, and he said to me, "I think I know what this is about, but I'm not going to say anything and then look like a fool."

He knew.

We both knew he knew.

I tried hard to look him in the eyes; I didn't want to miss a beat, an emotion flashing behind  his eyes, regret, anything that would say "YOU TOTALLY READ THIS SITUATION WRONG".

I said to him, with an ache in my chest, "On Friday the 13th...."

"yeah?" He said.

"On Friday the 13th I fell in love with you."

"I love you too."

BAM. POW. DONE. KO'd.

*~*~*Slutty Heart*~*~*

A Thousand Nights...

A bit after the Columbus Took A Chance poem, I was feeling a little more than just mushy feelings, so.....I wanted to write and B said, "Write about what you want." And this is what came to be:

A Thousand Nights

We lay in bed the morning after a night 

of heavy drinking

he tells me he was thinking 'stuff' 

about me last night

"What kind of stuff?" I ask

"Awesome stuff."  he replies.

I don't want to pry

A drunken memory of the night before

plays behind my eyes

of him holding my face

in both hands

and saying

"Do you have any idea how much you mean to me?"

Which I reply with a shake of the head...no

and a kiss

abyss deep

I lock eyes with him

and can't help but wonder if he remembers

such shared moments

in the dark

hot 

pulsating 

club 

at 2 a.m 

the night before

As I write this

I can't help but think

'Part of me is made of glass'

and here I am, breaking before him

"Tell me what you want...." He says to me

from across the dinner table

I get lost in his eyes, that dark honey brown

and his crooked smile

"I don't really know" I say

That was then

today I know

I know I want him to hold my hand as we walk

and I want a thousand nights of him 

holding me tight and asking if I know how much

I mean to him.

A week ago I wanted less

but it's my passion, you see

people

and the experience they can give me

good or bad

I want his place in my heart to be a 

patchwork of sex and crooked smiles

hand holding and

drunken nights

and emo songs playing in the background

on youtube while his eyebrow arches 

and he says, "Want to go into the bedroom?"

A thousand nights that end that way 

wouldn't be enough.

"Tell me what you want...." He whispers in my ear

while I lay naked and breathless beneath him

I can't bring myself to say the words

spinning through my mind, though my body

is aching for his touch

I want his hands tugging at my hair

his nails tearing at my flesh

his lips on my thighs

and his fingers around my throat

as I gasp for air

My orgasm pulsing just below the surface

waiting to shoot through my fingertips

my nails tearing at the sheets

and my eyes locking with his 

as he gives me that crooked smile

and yes

A thousand nights that end that way

wouldn't be enough

*~*~*Slutty Heart*~*~*

Columbus took a chance

Lately, there have been some issues with B and I and trying to figure out exactly where things are, where they will go, if anywhere at all, from what B says, it's a 50/50 chance, and hey, I love gambling. What can I say?

I wrote this for B, in response to our 'talk' about 'us'.

Columbus Took A Chance

I wish I could say this was a story of unrequited love

at least then I would be tragic, brokenhearted,

exhausted by my own wretched sobs

Instead I kind of feel a funny mushy feeling

in your general direction

I ask you if it's a mistake to care

and you tell me wordlessly

that it's the very best mistake

When I try and walk away

you tell me in a song

"if this means anything at all

don't let me leave you."

And unfortunately it does mean something

If only, I knew what

I know only that I adore the little bruises

you leave behind

and your crooked smile

the way you whisper "you're beautiful."

My other love fears for my one day

inevitably broken heart

I'm a grownup I tell her

I can take it

Some days it's as if my world gets lost

in your almond eyes

and one day you'll just blink

and become a destroyer of worlds

Maybe there are no wretched sobs in this story

this tale of the funny mushy feeling

that I feel in your general direction

but there are silent tears

banging behind my eyes

on nights that I can't find sleep

Not because I can't imagine me without you

but because I can't imagine not even letting the reigns go slack

not trying, not being naked and truthful with you

not discovering in myself a vulnerable person

willing to let this story unfold

I would rather ask myself a week from now

a month or a year

what have I done?

with tears shining in my eyes, while I tell a story

of unrequited love

than say that I wish I had tried.

*~*~*Slutty Heart*~*~*

Sex. and stuff. and things. yeah...That.

Sexual stuff was a real challenge for all three of us once it came time for that part of our relationship to evolve. There was this one time when the three of us played a bit, and I accidentally leaned on and CRUSHED R's ball's. So yeah, that ended that. You would think. But the real reason that night ended so abruptly was because later down the road K expressed some nervousness about being with me specifically. Mainly  because it had been so long since she'd been with a woman, and she had nerves about pleasing me (I bitch about ALL the TONS of bad sex I've had in the past, and it didn't help, she didn't want to be one of those stories.)

I will be entirely honest. I  freaked out in my own way. I got up and started cooking dinner in the middle of us all fooling around. I was, in my head, providing her an out. I started having waves of panic. Was this going to be another situation like with A? I went to bed early, and alone. Everyone started to feel weird and sad and awkward. I saw K sulk past the bedroom door. R went out to check on her at my insistence, in my mind she was drowning her sorrows in wine, or doing some other similarly self-destructive thing.

When he returned I asked, "Is she okay?"

"No." He replied

I  panicked..."What's she doing?"

"She's...eating applesauce. Very. Slowly."

OMG! The relief. haha, looking back it's kind of hilarious. I called her into the bedroom, and we had a long talk all about her insecurities and mine, and issues and fears I have regarding A and where our relationship would go.

Since then, sex and such has happened for all of us, and my fears were unfounded, of course. I rarely have these A type thoughts creep up on me, but when they do, there is usually a deep and thoughtful conversation that follows, just to reassure me. Honestly, sometimes all I need is for her to hold me and kiss my forehead and tell me she loves me, and that she's not A. Things are different now, they are beautiful.

*~*~*Slutty Heart*~*~*

Land of Nod

*note*: I wrote this for k the night she left for the hospital:

Land of Nod

How desperately I want to sleep it all away,

her pain and desperation, 

my own fears,

to allow myself to be carried to a dream

with she and I,

where we aren't both ravaged by mental illness,

and she is happy and beautiful and her smile infects me,

and together we don't need strict daily regiments

or anti-psychotics,

or mood stabilizers,

we only need each other and all of our loves.

Our loves wish happiness and tranquility upon us

but at times our minds can be bricked with an insanity infinite layers deep

and nothing seems to reach.

She seems so far away.

I seem so far away,

here, being well, watching her struggle with her own demons,

all she wants is a moment to let them out.

To succumb to all the crazy lacing her days.

I can give her that, that moment of pure insanity.

I can let the men in the little white suits come and take her away,

away,

where she can finally exhale,

it's almost like peace...for a moment.

Too long of a moment,

 and it becomes the rain cloud that follows you

step for aching step,

and it becomes every waking moment of every crazy day.

They will poison the madness away with pills and smooth away

the jagged edges of insanity with therapy,

 and one day,

one day she will be happy and beautiful and her smile will infect me.

Until then, I will escape her pain through sleep,

and I will sleep to dream of her meeting me in the land of nod,

 her lips on mine,

kissing away my fears.

*~*~*Slutty Heart*~*~*