Thursday, May 29, 2014

Tear you apart...

I've been struggling for a couple of weeks to write this post. I don't know why. I don't know what to say. If you've read K's Rants you know that she and her previous partner, C, have split. She is now dating B.

It seems I am also dating B. It was agonizing for me to write that last sentence. I mean, he's nice, he's open and honest and smokin' hot. But...I am emotionally unavailable in a lot of ways, ways that weren't as obvious to me until he came around. He just SAYS things. Says things that he FEELS. WHAT?! I mean, honestly so does K....but....I feel secure with K I guess? There is this newness to B and this uncertainty. I'm just  left silent by a lot of things that he says because I'm kind of like, left looking around like...."Was he talking to me?". *looks over shoulder*

It's good but painful. In that way good sex is good, but painful. *analogy high five*

I can not say another word on this subject. It's maddening.

How about you guys? Any emotionally unavailable polys out there? It seems kind of like an oxymoron or contradiction or some such thing....I'm working on it. Feel free to comment about your emotional unavailability issues or that of a partner and how they may have worked through it. Thanks.

*~*~*Slutty Heart*~*~*

Thursday, May 15, 2014

Sex. and stuff. and things. yeah...That.

Sexual stuff was a real challenge for all three of us once it came time for that part of our relationship to evolve. There was this one time when the three of us played a bit, and I accidentally leaned on and CRUSHED R's ball's. So yeah, that ended that. You would think. But the real reason that night ended so abruptly was because later down the road K expressed some nervousness about being with me specifically. Mainly  because it had been so long since she'd been with a woman, and she had nerves about pleasing me (I bitch about ALL the TONS of bad sex I've had in the past, and it didn't help, she didn't want to be one of those stories.)

I will be entirely honest. I  freaked out in my own way. I got up and started cooking dinner in the middle of us all fooling around. I was, in my head, providing her an out. I started having waves of panic. Was this going to be another situation like with A? I went to bed early, and alone. Everyone started to feel weird and sad and awkward. I saw K sulk past the bedroom door. R went out to check on her at my insistence, in my mind she was drowning her sorrows in wine, or doing some other similarly self-destructive thing.

When he returned I asked, "Is she okay?"

"No." He replied

I  panicked..."What's she doing?"

"She's...eating applesauce. Very. Slowly."

OMG! The relief. haha, looking back it's kind of hilarious. I called her into the bedroom, and we had a long talk all about her insecurities and mine, and issues and fears I have regarding A and where our relationship would go.

Since then, sex and such has happened for all of us, and my fears were unfounded, of course. I rarely have these A type thoughts creep up on me, but when they do, there is usually a deep and thoughtful conversation that follows, just to reassure me. Honestly, sometimes all I need is for her to hold me and kiss my forehead and tell me she loves me, and that she's not A. Things are different now, they are beautiful.

*~*~*Slutty Heart*~*~*