Sunday, March 23, 2014

We are family

My family has known that I'm poly for a long while. When I was 28 though, I came out as bisexual. I was in my first triad; my mom was not thrilled about this and at the time she thought that I was dating R and R was dating our then girlfriend A.  The only reason I even told her was because A, who had not yet shown herself to be a problem had played an instrumental part in getting me the psych help that I needed. I  had gone through a particularly bad depression. I was sitting in the hospital, on the phone with my mom when I said, "So, you know how R is dating A?" She sighed and said "yes." and then I came out with it. "Well, so am I." her response was "Well...that is something you will have to discuss in therapy." CLICK.

To be entirely honest, I did not have the best family life growing up. My mom decided that this was the reason I am poly, because I had such a shitty childhood that I am trying to recreate a better family dynamic. R had a fabulous family life though, so whatever. Then she proceeded to tell me that we aren't a 'real' family.

Anyhow, I just want to take this moment to say that I DO have an amazing little poly family with K and R and even though it might not be the normal way to go about having a family, I'm very happy with the way things have turned out for us. We are all so very happy together, and we are a family.

In the comments below feel free to tell me how your family has reacted to you coming out as lgbt or poly. 

*~*~*Slutty Heart*~*~*

Friday, March 21, 2014

Short and sweet

Today K got to come home from the psych hospital, she seems to feel so much better, and I love to hear all the hope in  her for her future and being well and love and gush and sqee!

Ahem, I must compose myself.

Anyhow, I feel like this experience has strengthened our little triad. We went through a rough first month of living together, but it was good at the same time. It's difficult to describe, the way we on one hand watched her cycle between deteriorating and stable and manic to a full blown, "time to call a mobile unit to the house and take her away."  Going on a two-hour ride out to the hospital to see her dumb cute face that I missed so much.

The ride up was stressful. Before we left I was snapping at R badly and just kind of being a bitch in general, it took a good couple of hours before I realized I was dreading the hospital trip. But it was okay, once we got there I honed in and focused on K and how she felt that I didn't have time to think about all of my time with past hospitalizations. That made me feel good. That I was so present in that moment of wanting to be there for her, that I could put my anxieties and fears and weird hospital ptsd shit to bed for an hour or so to be a comfort to her made me feel good. I knew, that moment that I could handle it...then on the way home I heard Unconditionally, and talked to R about how I felt, and that was it. We had sealed the deal. I would tough it out.

Now she is home though, and I want to go snuggle with her so I'll keep tonight's entry short and sweet.

*~*~*Slutty Heart*~*~*

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Land of Nod

*note*: I wrote this for k the night she left for the hospital:

Land of Nod

How desperately I want to sleep it all away,
her pain and desperation, 
my own fears,
to allow myself to be carried to a dream
with she and I,
where we aren't both ravaged by mental illness,
and she is happy and beautiful and her smile infects me,
and together we don't need strict daily regiments
or anti-psychotics,
or mood stabilizers,
we only need each other and all of our loves.

Our loves wish happiness and tranquility upon us
but at times our minds can be bricked with an insanity infinite layers deep
and nothing seems to reach.
She seems so far away.
I seem so far away,
here, being well, watching her struggle with her own demons,
all she wants is a moment to let them out.
To succumb to all the crazy lacing her days.
I can give her that, that moment of pure insanity.
I can let the men in the little white suits come and take her away,
where she can finally exhale,
it's almost like peace...for a moment.

Too long of a moment,
 and it becomes the rain cloud that follows you
step for aching step,
and it becomes every waking moment of every crazy day.
They will poison the madness away with pills and smooth away
the jagged edges of insanity with therapy,
 and one day,
one day she will be happy and beautiful and her smile will infect me.
Until then, I will escape her pain through sleep,
and I will sleep to dream of her meeting me in the land of nod,
 her lips on mine,
kissing away my fears.

*~*~*Slutty Heart*~*~*

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Love never dies...

With all the commotion about K's hospitalization, I ENTIRELY forgot to mention that R and I got married last Sunday on our 19-year anniversary. The ceremony was beautiful. So many feels!

We wrote our vows, and we both cried while reading them because we're both pathetic sappy messes of people...

At that time, K was feeling alright, and we got some nice pics with her before the wedding. We also got some with my best friend and honorary sister, who was in from out of state which was nice; we have so few pics of us together.

The cupcake stand came out beautifully! Our skeleton cake topper says "love never dies" and everything about that night was amazing. I even drank a bit which I find is bad for me bipolar wise, but I kept it under control and nothing bad happened.

When we got to the hotel room that night after the wedding reception, I opened the door to our room (on the 19th floor ;) ), to find 19 yellow roses (my fave), chocolate covered strawberries, a chocolate tray, and a bottle of champagne. It was the perfect end to a perfect day. <3

*~*~* Slutty Heart~*~*~*

Tuesday, March 18, 2014


A couple of weeks ago K and I were talking about relationships and I made the mistake of saying "I could never be with someone like me, I could never deal with that." Now, we both knew that I was referring to someone who was like me prior to 2005. I was unstable, manic for months on end, then crashing and suicidal, refusing to leave the house for an entire year, self-injuring, I was a mess.

She would later tell me that she couldn't get that thought out of her mind. I had worried that may happen and regretted saying it as soon as the words escaped my lips, but there was no taking it back. I talked to R about it and said I was scared I wouldn't be able to handle it. I said "What if I can't deal with it?" and he said, "You will, because that is just what you do when you love someone." My heart broke. He was right. It was such a simple concept, and my fears kept me from getting it.

Still, there was the scent of the ER at the psychiatric hospital. It was as if my mind hit rewind to the last time I spent time hospitalized. Fear wrapped its fingers tightly around my throat; I looked at the familiar surroundings, the mentally ill people sleeping on the floor, waiting for a bed to open up somewhere so they could get the treatment they so desperately needed. I used to be one of those people. I hated being there, but I had to, for K. I had to sit by her side and wait for them to take her and make her safe from herself. Honestly, as much as I hated it, I was happy to do it, to return the favor. I never went to the hospital alone; R was always by my side, and now, it was my turn to be that steady hand for someone I loved dearly.

I talked to K on the phone tonight. I mentioned hearing that song by katy perry, Unconditionally, and how it made me think of her. I know she's worried I'll leave because I won't be able to handle all the crazy inside her. I will though, because that is just what you do when you love someone.

"Come just as you are to me
Don't need apologies
Know that you are worthy
I'll take your bad days with your good
Walk through the storm I would
I do it all because I love you, I love you

--Unconditionally, Katy Perry.

*~*~*Slutty Heart~*~*~*

Monday, March 17, 2014

Feeling a little unwell

This weekend has been trying. Some back story:

K and I are both bipolar. I have been stable for about six years, out of the hospital the entire time. Prior to 2005, I had nearly a dozen hospitalizations. K is as I mentioned before, 13 years my junior. We were both diagnosed at a young age, but she is...still young. When we met, she wasn't on medication and was not in therapy. She had been in the past but then lost her insurance and thought she could handle it on her own.

Fast forward to this past weekend. She is experiencing a mixed episode; depressed mood and the energy of mania. A mixed episode is a very dangerous time for someone with bipolar disorder. She is suicidal and doesn't know why. Everything in her life is going amazingly well, and she just can't shake the intrusive suicidal obsession that is plaguing her. She's talking about suicide with a calm sort of distance to it. As if she's discussing the way she will fold her laundry and put it away later that evening. Maybe she will buy a syringe and inject bleach into her veins. Maybe she will down a bottle of my anti-psychotic medication and chase it with a bottle or two of my anti-depressants and sleeping pills. There wasn't much of this talk before we got her help.

Now, sadly, she is inpatient in a psychiatric hospital. We love her too much to let her suffer and worry too much to leave her home alone while we work, and she avoids life, here in our home...with nothing but thoughts of suicide to keep her company.

I have been in this place. It's destroying me that she has to be there too. I have hope for her though that like me she will find something that works, she will find a way to make herself well again. We will someday be well together, and we won't even look back at those frenzied years we escaped, we will only look forward, to our future together, and all that wellness will bring us.

*~*~*~Slutty Heart~*~*~*

I've loved you for a thousand years...

K and I sat in her room one night, and she tells me about how this song makes her think of us, because we were friends for years before anything else came of it:

I remember the way every time we hung out, later that night after I got home, or K left, R would come home and say “you hit it?” Just joking of course, but it was obvious to him at least, that there was something there. Looking back, I could say that I wish I had responded to her in like sooner, but honestly, where we are right now is where we were always meant to be. Our previous years of friendship made our current romantic incarnation effortless. We’re not just falling in love. We’re falling in life, it’s like all the bed hopping I did was me putting a round peg into a square hole and now, we have the right pieces in the right spots and it’s just amazing, we’re sharing our lives together and every moment is beautiful.
Today R and I are going to a friend’s pre-wedding bash. K is spending a date day with her primary, C, and tomorrow K, R and I are all going on a running errands/date day. There will be lunch and shopping and movies and groceries, and then we’ll come home and I’ll make a late dinner and of course all of the romance. :)
I haven’t had a real wave of fear in the last two or three days. It feels kind of nice to let things be and progress how they are meant to. Everything will be what it will be, and that is all I could ever expect from this situation. A be damned.
*~*~*~Slutty Heart~*~*~*

Seamless: A poly love story

I admit it, I've been looking for love in all the wrong places. Mostly stranger’s beds, but I guess I always knew I wouldn't find it there. I already have an epic love with my boyfriend, R, of damn near 20 years.  But he works late and loneliness creeps in, boredom frays my sanity at the edges,  and we have an open relationship so why not go looking for love? We were in a triad many years ago that nearly two years into it went down in flames.  Her name was A. She was like a tornado, at first, the calm center of the storm, and then later, the destruction that comes along with it. The worst of it was that she faked being bisexual because she had convinced herself she needed to be with me to be with R. This was not true, and I assured her of it, and she swore through angry screaming and sobbing that she loved me. But she wouldn't even hold my hand and attempts at sex more often than not ended in tears. I swore up and down I would never be in a triad again.
Then, in 2010 I started working a new job and met a girl (K) who gave me bedroom eyes at work, but I thought that at 13 years my junior she was too young. Though we did grow to be close friends over the next three years. One day she told me about a nasty experience with one of her roommates. I felt for her and desperately wanted to get her out of that shitty living situation, so I talked to R about ‘wishing she could move in with us.’ We own now and don’t  have a landlord to answer to money wise. He seemed hesitant, because the few times we had friends or lovers living with us. He would lock himself in our bedroom to avoid them. But this friend, K, she started sleeping over, and after a few nights, we decided we couldn't let her go back to her old place.  One night we were all having a cuddle party. I was a little high on her perfume and the velvety softness of her skin. I’m not sure where the hesitation was coming from, since she had expressed interest before, but it was there, heavy like a thick fog,  it enveloped me.  I somehow still managed to lean forward, peeking over at R as I leaned into the crook of her arm and kissed her shoulder.  Two little pecks and then she found my lips. I don’t want to get all pornographic here because honestly it was all very PG. That night, laying in bed all snuggled up with the two of them, it felt seamless, it felt like home. We took a little bit of time to figure out what we were doing exactly, was this going to be a FWB situation? Or was this something more? We are still working on the intimacy part, trying to take things slow.
The fact that K and I had been friends for so long definitely caused lovey feelings to pop up pretty quickly, and R, though he wasn't as close, found himself in the same boat.   They bonded instantly. Now, K already has a partner, he is newish in her life but she loves him dearly. They had discussed her wanting an open relationship before any of this had happened and even though she was a bit paranoid that he wouldn't be able to handle it, he told her that this is the relationship he’s been waiting for, she was full of sqees and was so happy. :)
Now, she’s all moved in, and while we are all very happy, I have these waves of intense fear. Will she leave me out of our relationship like A, our ex did? I am so happy when we’re all together, and these fears seem entirely unfounded. K is bisexual. She has had experience outside of just me, but….there are doubts and fears that A has left lingering in my heart. She assures me she understands and will let me feel these feelings and try and let them pass, and she won’t ever hold it against me if I’m guarded about her. R is worried I will push her away out of fear. I’m trying desperately to let myself enjoy all of this and not let A destroy a perfectly beautiful and harmonious thing, especially six years after her departure from our lives.
We have a bird now, it’s K’s, and now she has a cat, which is ours, and R and I have a boyfriend in law, who is such a sweet guy, he has a dog, so we now all have some step-pets. We are a happy poly family, regardless of any fears or trepidation on my part, it’s all fabulous. I don’t know if this – the following of our story – will be of any interest to anyone, but I felt like I should chronicle it. Sometimes K or R may post as well, so look out for guest posts. A writer friend of mine has told me time and time again to write about my relationships because it’s unique. I don’t know about all that but, I thought if nothing else, I’d like to be able to look back on this story one day, and have it all laid bare for us. If things go south, it will be a way to remember the good times. If they work out it will be a way for us to share some love with the world.
I hope you enjoy reading our poly love story.
*~*~*~Slutty Heart~*~*~*