In Other News...

I had a bunch of pics posted on here but then I forgot I'm trying not to be identified on this blog quite yet. Here is a pic of my black, red, and silver locking collar.

So we went up to an overlook here in the city where we went on our first FIRST date (the one 3 years ago when I broke things off because it seemed clear his wife wasn't as into it as he had hoped). That night there was a little drizzle. So, 3 years later, and after our official 1 year (second chances should be my middle name), anniversary, we headed back up to the overlook and exchanged commitment jewelry.  He got me this lovely collar!

This is Sir's matching ring: 

So, there's that ;) 

On our way back, it started to drizzle as we walked to the car. Such romance, much memories, very swoon. :)

*~*~*Slutty Heart*~*~*

Here's to Second Chances

Something has happened that led to me realizing my failings within a poly framework.  If I'm honest, my friend  betrayed me, she was who was briefly dating my partner, W. Was my reaction to these betrayals out of hand? Yes. Could I have handled it better? Of course.  But the fact of the matter is I did not manage to control myself and things got out of hand and turned into a screaming fit.

I realized that after three strikes I could not continue to give my blessing for their relationship. I did not ask that they stop seeing each other, I'm a firm believer that I can only control how I react to a situation. I had the option to leave, and I explored that option, let them have at it. It boiled down to me trying to save our friendship before things got too out of hand with X. This probably didn't work. I sent her an e-mail, and she hasn't replied. She had mentioned wanting to talk, and I asked her to e-mail me, I didn't feel up to an in-person conversation. I got sick of waiting to hear from her, so I mailed her about the issues we had. She hasn't responded. I don't know if I even want her to, to be honest.  I don't think that our friendship will have survived all of this mess. We were good friends but piss poor metas.  I guess sometimes that happens. :(

I'm the kind of person who needs to know where things are going and when. Like when she said "I"m not going to date W, I don't want it to affect our friendship." I took her at her word.  Even though she had my blessing before that, when she said she wasn't going to mess with him, that was my expectation. Then not a day later and he's in her bed. It was that sort of thing two other times, and it just got to be too much with the poor communication and what I considered to be lies.  W is not free from blame in all of this either, but with him, it was mostly poor communication.

I want him to be happy, and I want to have compersion for him. For the first time in his life, he is free to love how he pleases, and I wish that for him. I think maybe X was just a poor choice in potential partners.

I look forward to us reading More Than Two together and figuring out both of our bullshit and issues together.

Poor mental health played a big part in all of this as well. In December I was in a mixed episode, then in January I had pneumonia and the flu and I was on prednisone, the first day of the step-down pack is the worst, it made me want to put my face through a brick wall. X was on steroids for a similar issue as well so we were going for the throat it seemed.

For now, W is waiting to find other partners until he gets his divorce decree in the mail and can kick his ex-wife and her boyfriend out of his house. That was the original plan, and since this backfired so spectacularly, he has decided waiting is for the best.

In closing, I know I am not perfect, and I'm willing to work on my missteps within our relationship.  Here's to 2nd chances.





*~*~*Slutty Heart*~*~*

Wolfgun-Dawn

So far everything is worked out with W's new interest. We had some decent bumps in the beginning but, here we are. They are on a date, and I'm doing okay. Previously I was in the middle of some mental health struggles and it was the exact wrong time to start introducing his first new partner in a year. BUT, I pushed for them to do what they wanted because I felt wrong saying, "I'm unwell, can we hold off on adding new partners until my meds are straight?" (I have now been told to do just that in the future by W.) So, I suppose I could have handled all of that better.

Now that my meds are straight and I'm feeling okay, I get only the slightest tightness in my chest, like anxiety, when he leaves me to be with her. This is our first time with him dating anyone else since he left his wife. I am certain soon enough that will turn to compersion cuz that's just who I am.  I trust him, but even though she and I have been friends for 15 years, I've never been in a relationship/relationship adjacent to her before. I don't know how she handles things, especially in a poly setting, as she's a little newish to it.  So, I told him, nothing will change my fears except time and experience, and I'm willing to wait for both.

Now, on to the important stuff. W and I have a song!!!!!! There is this song we like, and he put it on a playlist he's making me out of all the songs I like that he plays when we are out driving. But, this song came on last night. The beginning is so dreamy. Anyhow, when it came on, I was looking at him, and I was about to say "Hey, turn it up," but I didn't get the chance, because he was already turning it up. and it was just such a sweet moment and we just sat there in silence. I smiled and said, "This is our song" I'm sure that maybe it seemed super meaningful because I was stoned, but there was something about the way the streetlights were catching the light in his eyes in that moment....

*Watch our lives drift away, they burn out quietly.*

*~*~*Slutty Heart*~*~*

Reason # 4637848 Polyamory is awesome

About two months ago I had, what seemed like maybe a sinus infection that was annoying enough to make me feel tired and run down, but not out of it enough to go to the doc. Then I got laryngitis and some chest congestion, again, I did not go to the Dr.

Yesterday around 10 a.m I started to have chest pains on inhalation on my right side. My boyfriend W had errands to run but offered to take me to the ER. I did not want to be a burden, "It's the ER, I will be there all day." I told him to run his errands. Then I went to make an appointment with my PCP but was on hold for so long I gave up. Then I considered Med Express, but for some reason, it charges me 200$ (er visit fee) for  Med Express, and I figured they might want to run tests that can't be run there. So they may refer me to the ER anyhow, another 200$. (I'm not going to get into the sad state of health care here in the US) W told me to go. So, I let him take me. My husband, R is at work, and W happened to have his moms car that day, so if it had to happen, it was a good day for it.

While being checked in, they asked about my emergency contacts. They had R listed, and I asked if they could add  W. They asked what the relationship was and I said "boyfriend"  The check-in lady, sweet as can be said to me "Oh do you want me to take R off of here?" And I said no. She looked at me funny. I said, "We have an open relationship, it's fine." She looked at me and said, "I have a question,  is it fun?"

"Ha! Yes," I replied, "I have lots of love in my life."

After having a CT scan, they said I had 'substantial pneumonia.' They said two of my three lobes in my lungs were infected and that I could go home, but I would end up back in the er the next day. They wanted to keep me maybe 2-3 days on an iv drip to get rid of it.

By the time we figured everything out six hours later, R had finished work, so he packed a bag and brought it to me. I was a little worried about all this, missing work, etc. But, both R and  W came to visit me and bring my bag upstairs when I went to my room. Then they each sat with me for a few hours, and we talked, laughed, it was an excellent stress relief.  My comet partner is going to pick me up tomorrow, and my girlfriend was unable to visit but has been chatting with me to check in.. I'm glad I have so much love and support in my life.  Early this morning W came to visit, and R is coming later.

I'm grateful  W nagged me just to come. I'm glad R was home so that he could easily bring me some stuff.  I feel so loved and protected by my polycule. It is fantastic when all these people love and care about you.  I never really had that growing up, and it makes me appreciate it so much more as an adult.

As I've said in past blog posts, my mom always said I was poly because I was trying to recreate a better family life than what I had as a child. Maybe she's right, but anyhow, the whole "it takes a village" isn't just for kids. Everyone should be so lucky to have all this love in their life. I am glad, even sitting here in this hospital bed, that I am so loved, and it's excellent. :)

*~*~*Slutty Heart*~*~*