Communication is key, or, "I also get laid more" ;)

I talk about my relationships at work pretty openly, everyone knows I'm poly and regardless of what they think of the CONCEPT, they all know that it works for me and that I'm very happy. The smile I can't seem to wipe off my face tells more a story of my life than I ever could with words. Yet here I am trying anyhow.

I met and fell in love with my husband going on 20 years ago. At the time I was unknowingly and in that very young and confused person way, madly, truly, and deeply in love with a friend of mine who I was also sleeping with. She loved me too, somehow, but at that age (15 or so) we had no idea the emotions we were swimming in. When R and I got together, there was never even a conversation about non-monogamy. We were 15 and in love and he didn't mind that I had this other girl I loved around. It wasn't just her either, there were other girls, confused girls I'd kiss in the dark. He never did mind.

When I moved away at age 18, I was doing a lot of research about all different religions when I stumbled on a liberal christian website, ( www.libchrist.com ) It discussed Polyamory. At the time I was chat friends and phone chat friends with some guys who I found I truly cared about and I didn't get why I couldn't be with other men like I could with women, what was the difference? Nothing was going to change how I felt about R. So...I brought the idea up to him. He agreed to open it all the way.

My current polycule looks a little like this:

I am in love and in a committed relationship with R, K and B. I have two other men that I play with, J and D. one that I've been friends with for years, J, but we are kind of like bros though, the other, D, I feel like on some level I do love him. I miss him when we're apart for awhile, and when we're together I get the warm fuzzies. We send each other kisses and hugs and love online when we're apart, but I think we are both pretty polysaturated and know that there's just no room for additional partners with more of an investment than we're willing to give at this point. That's fine, we have what we have, and that's okay.

So, at work, people keep telling me how it all seems so COMPLICATED> and there are so many CONVERSATIONS....ALL OF THE TIME...WITH ALL OF THE PEOPLE.

I must say, it's a little disappointing to me that I am capable of multiple relationships with various levels of commitment, which of course, like ALL relationships, take effort, and the monogamous people I spend most of my time with don't seem to see the value in all of this communication. Maybe if more mono minded people put as much effort into their ONE other partner as I put into my multiple partners, they would be walking around with big smiles on their faces too. This came out sounding WAY more superior than I meant it to, but it is what I honestly think so I'm leaving it out there.

Sure, there are fights, but...there is so much love here, and with that love comes trust, honesty and transparency through communication. I feel all committed individuals, mono, poly, or otherwise identified, should have at the very least, those three things in their relationship toolbox.

/rant

*~*~*Slutty Heart*~*~*

Love with a fearless and faithful abandon....

So, my poly family, K, R, B and I all went to the beach together. Our first trip. It was a great time. I'd love to bore you to death with tails of conquering the ocean, seeing the wild horses and dolphins and all the fun stuff we did, but I have something more serious to discuss.

So when we got back, a couple of weeks went by, things were starting to get to a certain point with B, he started to have doubts and jealousy. As K says, "If every poly person who had jealousy and doubts at some point or another stopped being poly because of those doubts and jealousy, there would be no poly people." Truth.

A lot of people assume we don't deal with these issues. But we do. Within monogamy, I feel like jealousy means something different than in polyamory. In monogamy, it's like a badge of honor. If your man or woman is jealous, it means they really care about you. I don't see jealousy that way though, I don't see ME being jealous of another person as a sign that I care so much about my partner, more, it seems like if I'm jealous that there is something lacking with me. Am I jealous of the time spent with that person? Their affections? Or is it something far more insidious, like a personal insecurity? Most likely, it is. That is the worst. Because no one wants to look into themselves and see that they doubt their self-worth. Will my partner be my partner forever? Will they find someone else if I "allow" them to see other people outside the group?

These were some things that B and K were dealing with at the moment. K made a promise that she's not going anywhere that she won't leave, and it was hard for her to be so vulnerable. This promise may have set his mind a bit at ease, but, none of us know what the future will hold. Maybe your other WILL leave you for someone else, or will find a new primary, or maybe you thought you were on equal grounds but suddenly you find yourself a secondary, somehow not knowing it had been that way all the entire time. There are many variables here. No one knows what's coming, what changes our relationships will suffer, and if they would survive those changes. All I know for certain is change is the one thing we can count on. Being a part of a relationship is almost like thrill seeking. Simply because we do not know the ending. Is it happily ever after, which we won't know until our death bed, or is it more of a 'may so and so be damned' situation. We don't know. We can't know. That's what's so amazing about it. You go all in with your emotions, you feel so fully (if you're doing it right) and you are risking it all. Risking your future with this person, risking things like "losing your youth" to someone you've given the 'best years of your life' to (I am quoting my mother here). But....what if....what if they stay.

What if it is happily ever after? There's only one way to find out.

So we talked and talked. Then, we talked some more. (If you're poly I'm sure you know how that goes!) Everything got worked out, even if they are issues that no one can ever guarantee the way K tried to guarantee them to B. I think on some level he knows that she can't know that no one will know until we get there. But I think there is faith, and that keeps him around. The faith, the blind, unwavering belief that she will be there for him no matter what the future holds is enough to keep his head above water, though he's nearly drowning in the fear that she will leave.

I suppose I have the same fears, and in some ways those fears are coming true. R, K and I have always claimed to be non-hierarchical. When push comes to shove though, B is where K's future lies. He can marry her one day and give her the children she someday wants, and we can't. That doesn't mean we have to end, but the dynamic has changed and like I said, change is all we can really count on.

My advice here to anyone who is questioning their relationship is just to love with a fearless and faithful abandon. If it ends "Don't be sad that it's over, be happy that it happened."

*~*~*Slutty Heart*~*~*

"Part of me is made of glass, and also, I love you."

The night that the poem A Thousand Nights is referring to was the night I fell in love with B. That was Friday the 13th. A week or so later we're talking, and he says to me, "I'm still afraid to say I love you."

I froze. I sat there, silent. I had no idea what had just happened. A month or so prior to this, for some context...there was a girl he was sleeping with, a friend. She was in love with him, so he broke it off, he told me about this incident, and I assumed it was a warning to me, "Don't get too close, I don't have the feels for you like that."

So when I hear "I'm still afraid to say I love you" fall from his lips, suddenly I need to re-evaluate the meaning of all the little things I thought were warnings. The way he always wanted to talk about 'us'.....the way he says "I feel like you deserve more." When I heard those things, what I thought he meant was, "You're not getting too close are you? Just checkin' in on that cuz this isn't going anywhere." or "Maybe you should look elsewhere because I'm not going to give you what you want."

Suddenly these things took on new meaning, when he was asking about us he was almost baiting me, and when he said I deserved more, what, did that mean he wanted to GIVE more? The carefully crafted facade I'd created to not get too close just shattered before me. (I could feel it, "part of me is made of glass, and also, I love you.")  Well, it didn't' truly shatter, but the entire thing cracked, it took one day to come crumbling down afterwards. I had to see him the next day. We had to talk; I told him it wasn't anything bad. I know that he knew, at this point, it was just a formality, but one that had to happen.

We laid in bed, and he said to me, "I think I know what this is about, but I'm not going to say anything and then look like a fool."

He knew.

We both knew he knew.

I tried hard to look him in the eyes; I didn't want to miss a beat, an emotion flashing behind  his eyes, regret, anything that would say "YOU TOTALLY READ THIS SITUATION WRONG".

I said to him, with an ache in my chest, "On Friday the 13th...."

"yeah?" He said.

"On Friday the 13th I fell in love with you."

"I love you too."

BAM. POW. DONE. KO'd.

*~*~*Slutty Heart*~*~*

A Thousand Nights...

A bit after the Columbus Took A Chance poem, I was feeling a little more than just mushy feelings, so.....I wanted to write and B said, "Write about what you want." And this is what came to be:

A Thousand Nights

We lay in bed the morning after a night 

of heavy drinking

he tells me he was thinking 'stuff' 

about me last night

"What kind of stuff?" I ask

"Awesome stuff."  he replies.

I don't want to pry

A drunken memory of the night before

plays behind my eyes

of him holding my face

in both hands

and saying

"Do you have any idea how much you mean to me?"

Which I reply with a shake of the head...no

and a kiss

abyss deep

I lock eyes with him

and can't help but wonder if he remembers

such shared moments

in the dark

hot 

pulsating 

club 

at 2 a.m 

the night before

As I write this

I can't help but think

'Part of me is made of glass'

and here I am, breaking before him

"Tell me what you want...." He says to me

from across the dinner table

I get lost in his eyes, that dark honey brown

and his crooked smile

"I don't really know" I say

That was then

today I know

I know I want him to hold my hand as we walk

and I want a thousand nights of him 

holding me tight and asking if I know how much

I mean to him.

A week ago I wanted less

but it's my passion, you see

people

and the experience they can give me

good or bad

I want his place in my heart to be a 

patchwork of sex and crooked smiles

hand holding and

drunken nights

and emo songs playing in the background

on youtube while his eyebrow arches 

and he says, "Want to go into the bedroom?"

A thousand nights that end that way 

wouldn't be enough.

"Tell me what you want...." He whispers in my ear

while I lay naked and breathless beneath him

I can't bring myself to say the words

spinning through my mind, though my body

is aching for his touch

I want his hands tugging at my hair

his nails tearing at my flesh

his lips on my thighs

and his fingers around my throat

as I gasp for air

My orgasm pulsing just below the surface

waiting to shoot through my fingertips

my nails tearing at the sheets

and my eyes locking with his 

as he gives me that crooked smile

and yes

A thousand nights that end that way

wouldn't be enough

*~*~*Slutty Heart*~*~*

Columbus took a chance

Lately, there have been some issues with B and I and trying to figure out exactly where things are, where they will go, if anywhere at all, from what B says, it's a 50/50 chance, and hey, I love gambling. What can I say?

I wrote this for B, in response to our 'talk' about 'us'.

Columbus Took A Chance

I wish I could say this was a story of unrequited love

at least then I would be tragic, brokenhearted,

exhausted by my own wretched sobs

Instead I kind of feel a funny mushy feeling

in your general direction

I ask you if it's a mistake to care

and you tell me wordlessly

that it's the very best mistake

When I try and walk away

you tell me in a song

"if this means anything at all

don't let me leave you."

And unfortunately it does mean something

If only, I knew what

I know only that I adore the little bruises

you leave behind

and your crooked smile

the way you whisper "you're beautiful."

My other love fears for my one day

inevitably broken heart

I'm a grownup I tell her

I can take it

Some days it's as if my world gets lost

in your almond eyes

and one day you'll just blink

and become a destroyer of worlds

Maybe there are no wretched sobs in this story

this tale of the funny mushy feeling

that I feel in your general direction

but there are silent tears

banging behind my eyes

on nights that I can't find sleep

Not because I can't imagine me without you

but because I can't imagine not even letting the reigns go slack

not trying, not being naked and truthful with you

not discovering in myself a vulnerable person

willing to let this story unfold

I would rather ask myself a week from now

a month or a year

what have I done?

with tears shining in my eyes, while I tell a story

of unrequited love

than say that I wish I had tried.

*~*~*Slutty Heart*~*~*

Tear you apart...

I've been struggling for a couple of weeks to write this post. I don't know why. I don't know what to say. If you've read K's Rants you know that she and her previous partner, C, have split. She is now dating B.

It seems I am also dating B. It was agonizing for me to write that last sentence. I mean, he's nice, he's open and honest and smokin' hot. But...I am emotionally unavailable in a lot of ways, ways that weren't as obvious to me until he came around. He just SAYS things. Says things that he FEELS. WHAT?! I mean, honestly so does K....but....I feel secure with K I guess? There is this newness to B and this uncertainty. I'm just  left silent by a lot of things that he says because I'm kind of like, left looking around like...."Was he talking to me?". *looks over shoulder*

It's good but painful. In that way good sex is good, but painful. *analogy high five*

I can not say another word on this subject. It's maddening.

How about you guys? Any emotionally unavailable polys out there? It seems kind of like an oxymoron or contradiction or some such thing....I'm working on it. Feel free to comment about your emotional unavailability issues or that of a partner and how they may have worked through it. Thanks.

*~*~*Slutty Heart*~*~*

Sex. and stuff. and things. yeah...That.

Sexual stuff was a real challenge for all three of us once it came time for that part of our relationship to evolve. There was this one time when the three of us played a bit, and I accidentally leaned on and CRUSHED R's ball's. So yeah, that ended that. You would think. But the real reason that night ended so abruptly was because later down the road K expressed some nervousness about being with me specifically. Mainly  because it had been so long since she'd been with a woman, and she had nerves about pleasing me (I bitch about ALL the TONS of bad sex I've had in the past, and it didn't help, she didn't want to be one of those stories.)

I will be entirely honest. I  freaked out in my own way. I got up and started cooking dinner in the middle of us all fooling around. I was, in my head, providing her an out. I started having waves of panic. Was this going to be another situation like with A? I went to bed early, and alone. Everyone started to feel weird and sad and awkward. I saw K sulk past the bedroom door. R went out to check on her at my insistence, in my mind she was drowning her sorrows in wine, or doing some other similarly self-destructive thing.

When he returned I asked, "Is she okay?"

"No." He replied

I  panicked..."What's she doing?"

"She's...eating applesauce. Very. Slowly."

OMG! The relief. haha, looking back it's kind of hilarious. I called her into the bedroom, and we had a long talk all about her insecurities and mine, and issues and fears I have regarding A and where our relationship would go.

Since then, sex and such has happened for all of us, and my fears were unfounded, of course. I rarely have these A type thoughts creep up on me, but when they do, there is usually a deep and thoughtful conversation that follows, just to reassure me. Honestly, sometimes all I need is for her to hold me and kiss my forehead and tell me she loves me, and that she's not A. Things are different now, they are beautiful.

*~*~*Slutty Heart*~*~*

We are family

My family has known that I'm poly for a long while. When I was 28 though, I came out as bisexual. I was in my first triad; my mom was not thrilled about this and at the time she thought that I was dating R and R was dating our then girlfriend A.  The only reason I even told her was because A, who had not yet shown herself to be a problem had played an instrumental part in getting me the psych help that I needed. I  had gone through a particularly bad depression. I was sitting in the hospital, on the phone with my mom when I said, "So, you know how R is dating A?" She sighed and said "yes." and then I came out with it. "Well, so am I." her response was "Well...that is something you will have to discuss in therapy." CLICK.

To be entirely honest, I did not have the best family life growing up. My mom decided that this was the reason I am poly, because I had such a shitty childhood that I am trying to recreate a better family dynamic. R had a fabulous family life though, so whatever. Then she proceeded to tell me that we aren't a 'real' family.

Anyhow, I just want to take this moment to say that I DO have an amazing little poly family with K and R and even though it might not be the normal way to go about having a family, I'm very happy with the way things have turned out for us. We are all so very happy together, and we are a family.

In the comments below feel free to tell me how your family has reacted to you coming out as lgbt or poly. 

*~*~*Slutty Heart*~*~*

Short and sweet

Today K got to come home from the psych hospital, she seems to feel so much better, and I love to hear all the hope in  her for her future and being well and love and gush and sqee!

Ahem, I must compose myself.

Anyhow, I feel like this experience has strengthened our little triad. We went through a rough first month of living together, but it was good at the same time. It's difficult to describe, the way we on one hand watched her cycle between deteriorating and stable and manic to a full blown, "time to call a mobile unit to the house and take her away."  Going on a two-hour ride out to the hospital to see her dumb cute face that I missed so much.

The ride up was stressful. Before we left I was snapping at R badly and just kind of being a bitch in general, it took a good couple of hours before I realized I was dreading the hospital trip. But it was okay, once we got there I honed in and focused on K and how she felt that I didn't have time to think about all of my time with past hospitalizations. That made me feel good. That I was so present in that moment of wanting to be there for her, that I could put my anxieties and fears and weird hospital ptsd shit to bed for an hour or so to be a comfort to her made me feel good. I knew, that moment that I could handle it...then on the way home I heard Unconditionally, and talked to R about how I felt, and that was it. We had sealed the deal. I would tough it out.

Now she is home though, and I want to go snuggle with her so I'll keep tonight's entry short and sweet.

*~*~*Slutty Heart*~*~*

Land of Nod

*note*: I wrote this for k the night she left for the hospital:

Land of Nod

How desperately I want to sleep it all away,

her pain and desperation, 

my own fears,

to allow myself to be carried to a dream

with she and I,

where we aren't both ravaged by mental illness,

and she is happy and beautiful and her smile infects me,

and together we don't need strict daily regiments

or anti-psychotics,

or mood stabilizers,

we only need each other and all of our loves.

Our loves wish happiness and tranquility upon us

but at times our minds can be bricked with an insanity infinite layers deep

and nothing seems to reach.

She seems so far away.

I seem so far away,

here, being well, watching her struggle with her own demons,

all she wants is a moment to let them out.

To succumb to all the crazy lacing her days.

I can give her that, that moment of pure insanity.

I can let the men in the little white suits come and take her away,

away,

where she can finally exhale,

it's almost like peace...for a moment.

Too long of a moment,

 and it becomes the rain cloud that follows you

step for aching step,

and it becomes every waking moment of every crazy day.

They will poison the madness away with pills and smooth away

the jagged edges of insanity with therapy,

 and one day,

one day she will be happy and beautiful and her smile will infect me.

Until then, I will escape her pain through sleep,

and I will sleep to dream of her meeting me in the land of nod,

 her lips on mine,

kissing away my fears.

*~*~*Slutty Heart*~*~*

Love never dies...

With all the commotion about K's hospitalization, I ENTIRELY forgot to mention that R and I got married last Sunday on our 19-year anniversary. The ceremony was beautiful. So many feels!

We wrote our vows, and we both cried while reading them because we're both pathetic sappy messes of people...

At that time, K was feeling alright, and we got some nice pics with her before the wedding. We also got some with my best friend and honorary sister, who was in from out of state which was nice; we have so few pics of us together.

The cupcake stand came out beautifully! Our skeleton cake topper says "love never dies" and everything about that night was amazing. I even drank a bit which I find is bad for me bipolar wise, but I kept it under control and nothing bad happened.

When we got to the hotel room that night after the wedding reception, I opened the door to our room (on the 19th floor ;) ), to find 19 yellow roses (my fave), chocolate covered strawberries, a chocolate tray, and a bottle of champagne. It was the perfect end to a perfect day. <3

*~*~* Slutty Heart~*~*~*

Unconditionally...

A couple of weeks ago K and I were talking about relationships and I made the mistake of saying "I could never be with someone like me, I could never deal with that." Now, we both knew that I was referring to someone who was like me prior to 2005. I was unstable, manic for months on end, then crashing and suicidal, refusing to leave the house for an entire year, self-injuring, I was a mess.

She would later tell me that she couldn't get that thought out of her mind. I had worried that may happen and regretted saying it as soon as the words escaped my lips, but there was no taking it back. I talked to R about it and said I was scared I wouldn't be able to handle it. I said "What if I can't deal with it?" and he said, "You will, because that is just what you do when you love someone." My heart broke. He was right. It was such a simple concept, and my fears kept me from getting it.

Still, there was the scent of the ER at the psychiatric hospital. It was as if my mind hit rewind to the last time I spent time hospitalized. Fear wrapped its fingers tightly around my throat; I looked at the familiar surroundings, the mentally ill people sleeping on the floor, waiting for a bed to open up somewhere so they could get the treatment they so desperately needed. I used to be one of those people. I hated being there, but I had to, for K. I had to sit by her side and wait for them to take her and make her safe from herself. Honestly, as much as I hated it, I was happy to do it, to return the favor. I never went to the hospital alone; R was always by my side, and now, it was my turn to be that steady hand for someone I loved dearly.

I talked to K on the phone tonight. I mentioned hearing that song by katy perry, Unconditionally, and how it made me think of her. I know she's worried I'll leave because I won't be able to handle all the crazy inside her. I will though, because that is just what you do when you love someone.

"Come just as you are to me
Don't need apologies
Know that you are worthy
I'll take your bad days with your good
Walk through the storm I would
I do it all because I love you, I love you

--Unconditionally, Katy Perry.

*~*~*Slutty Heart~*~*~*

Feeling a little unwell

This weekend has been trying. Some back story:

K and I are both bipolar. I have been stable for about six years, out of the hospital the entire time. Prior to 2005, I had nearly a dozen hospitalizations. K is as I mentioned before, 13 years my junior. We were both diagnosed at a young age, but she is...still young. When we met, she wasn't on medication and was not in therapy. She had been in the past but then lost her insurance and thought she could handle it on her own.

Fast forward to this past weekend. She is experiencing a mixed episode; depressed mood and the energy of mania. A mixed episode is a very dangerous time for someone with bipolar disorder. She is suicidal and doesn't know why. Everything in her life is going amazingly well, and she just can't shake the intrusive suicidal obsession that is plaguing her. She's talking about suicide with a calm sort of distance to it. As if she's discussing the way she will fold her laundry and put it away later that evening. Maybe she will buy a syringe and inject bleach into her veins. Maybe she will down a bottle of my anti-psychotic medication and chase it with a bottle or two of my anti-depressants and sleeping pills. There wasn't much of this talk before we got her help.

Now, sadly, she is inpatient in a psychiatric hospital. We love her too much to let her suffer and worry too much to leave her home alone while we work, and she avoids life, here in our home...with nothing but thoughts of suicide to keep her company.

I have been in this place. It's destroying me that she has to be there too. I have hope for her though that like me she will find something that works, she will find a way to make herself well again. We will someday be well together, and we won't even look back at those frenzied years we escaped, we will only look forward, to our future together, and all that wellness will bring us.

*~*~*~Slutty Heart~*~*~*

I've loved you for a thousand years...

K and I sat in her room one night, and she tells me about how this song makes her think of us, because we were friends for years before anything else came of it:

I remember the way every time we hung out, later that night after I got home, or K left, R would come home and say “you hit it?” Just joking of course, but it was obvious to him at least, that there was something there. Looking back, I could say that I wish I had responded to her in like sooner, but honestly, where we are right now is where we were always meant to be. Our previous years of friendship made our current romantic incarnation effortless. We’re not just falling in love. We’re falling in life, it’s like all the bed hopping I did was me putting a round peg into a square hole and now, we have the right pieces in the right spots and it’s just amazing, we’re sharing our lives together and every moment is beautiful.
Today R and I are going to a friend’s pre-wedding bash. K is spending a date day with her primary, C, and tomorrow K, R and I are all going on a running errands/date day. There will be lunch and shopping and movies and groceries, and then we’ll come home and I’ll make a late dinner and of course all of the romance. :)
I haven’t had a real wave of fear in the last two or three days. It feels kind of nice to let things be and progress how they are meant to. Everything will be what it will be, and that is all I could ever expect from this situation. A be damned.
*~*~*~Slutty Heart~*~*~*

Seamless: A poly love story

I admit it, I've been looking for love in all the wrong places. Mostly stranger’s beds, but I guess I always knew I wouldn't find it there. I already have an epic love with my boyfriend, R, of damn near 20 years.  But he works late and loneliness creeps in, boredom frays my sanity at the edges,  and we have an open relationship so why not go looking for love? We were in a triad many years ago that nearly two years into it went down in flames.  Her name was A. She was like a tornado, at first, the calm center of the storm, and then later, the destruction that comes along with it. The worst of it was that she faked being bisexual because she had convinced herself she needed to be with me to be with R. This was not true, and I assured her of it, and she swore through angry screaming and sobbing that she loved me. But she wouldn't even hold my hand and attempts at sex more often than not ended in tears. I swore up and down I would never be in a triad again.
Then, in 2010 I started working a new job and met a girl (K) who gave me bedroom eyes at work, but I thought that at 13 years my junior she was too young. Though we did grow to be close friends over the next three years. One day she told me about a nasty experience with one of her roommates. I felt for her and desperately wanted to get her out of that shitty living situation, so I talked to R about ‘wishing she could move in with us.’ We own now and don’t  have a landlord to answer to money wise. He seemed hesitant, because the few times we had friends or lovers living with us. He would lock himself in our bedroom to avoid them. But this friend, K, she started sleeping over, and after a few nights, we decided we couldn't let her go back to her old place.  One night we were all having a cuddle party. I was a little high on her perfume and the velvety softness of her skin. I’m not sure where the hesitation was coming from, since she had expressed interest before, but it was there, heavy like a thick fog,  it enveloped me.  I somehow still managed to lean forward, peeking over at R as I leaned into the crook of her arm and kissed her shoulder.  Two little pecks and then she found my lips. I don’t want to get all pornographic here because honestly it was all very PG. That night, laying in bed all snuggled up with the two of them, it felt seamless, it felt like home. We took a little bit of time to figure out what we were doing exactly, was this going to be a FWB situation? Or was this something more? We are still working on the intimacy part, trying to take things slow.
The fact that K and I had been friends for so long definitely caused lovey feelings to pop up pretty quickly, and R, though he wasn't as close, found himself in the same boat.   They bonded instantly. Now, K already has a partner, he is newish in her life but she loves him dearly. They had discussed her wanting an open relationship before any of this had happened and even though she was a bit paranoid that he wouldn't be able to handle it, he told her that this is the relationship he’s been waiting for, she was full of sqees and was so happy. :)
Now, she’s all moved in, and while we are all very happy, I have these waves of intense fear. Will she leave me out of our relationship like A, our ex did? I am so happy when we’re all together, and these fears seem entirely unfounded. K is bisexual. She has had experience outside of just me, but….there are doubts and fears that A has left lingering in my heart. She assures me she understands and will let me feel these feelings and try and let them pass, and she won’t ever hold it against me if I’m guarded about her. R is worried I will push her away out of fear. I’m trying desperately to let myself enjoy all of this and not let A destroy a perfectly beautiful and harmonious thing, especially six years after her departure from our lives.
We have a bird now, it’s K’s, and now she has a cat, which is ours, and R and I have a boyfriend in law, who is such a sweet guy, he has a dog, so we now all have some step-pets. We are a happy poly family, regardless of any fears or trepidation on my part, it’s all fabulous. I don’t know if this – the following of our story – will be of any interest to anyone, but I felt like I should chronicle it. Sometimes K or R may post as well, so look out for guest posts. A writer friend of mine has told me time and time again to write about my relationships because it’s unique. I don’t know about all that but, I thought if nothing else, I’d like to be able to look back on this story one day, and have it all laid bare for us. If things go south, it will be a way to remember the good times. If they work out it will be a way for us to share some love with the world.
I hope you enjoy reading our poly love story.
*~*~*~Slutty Heart~*~*~*