Saturday, May 20, 2017

#PolyCommunity

I posted yesterday about my amazing poly family, but there is something beyond that, which has been pretty life changing for me as well. I posted something about poly the other day and a bunch of people on my facebook ‘liked’ or ‘loved’ it or whatever. I looked at the people who did so, and they were all poly people I know, (makes sense) but it hadn’t prior to this, occurred to me, that I have a really great poly network and community as well. About a year or so ago I started to attend kink meet ups, then poly meetups, and I’m considering going to a bipgh meeting tomorrow.


My husband and I go back and forth on this. He’s quite introverted though trying desperately to change that fact. He doesn’t like groups or people in general. He also thinks that ‘the way you relationship’ isn’t enough of a thing to have in common with people to form any type of friendship or community with them.


He’s been coming to meetups and such lately. We do have a lot in common with many of the people in the groups, not just the fact that we are all poly, but poly seems to attract a certain type of person for the most part and they kind of seem to be ‘our people’. For the most part.

I live in Pittsburgh. We seem to have a large and fairly diverse poly community, and it has been something of a comfort to me. Yeah, maybe we just all ‘relationship the same way’, but there are challenges and joys that come along with that that literally, no other non-poly person can appreciate the way we can. I’m hoping to get more involved and make some new friends at some upcoming meetups. If you are interested and live in the Pittsburgh area, there’s a website now: www.polyinpgh.com check it out and come make some frands! :) Community is important. :)

*~*~*Slutty Heart*~*~*

Friday, May 19, 2017

"Friends are family you choose for yourself."

A woman at work said to me,

“I get the gay thing, the bi thing, I don’t get the non-monogamous thing.”

I can’t help but wonder why people have such difficulty with this. I GET the monogamous thing, and that is that I GET it, literally, without ever having been monogamous myself. I don’t see the appeal, but I’m not bothered by it, nor do I find it particularly mind boggling.

I can only speak from my own experience.

I am at work, so I don’t say to her, what I want to say, which is:

Hey lady, if you think loving and being loved by one amazing person is awesome, try adding a few more and see maybe if you aren’t walking around with a smile plastered on your face all day too.

I feel so much joy in my poly life. Someone asked me today how my life was going, we hadn’t spoken in awhile, and they said, “How is poly life treating you?” I’m so lucky, that even when my life is in shambles at work, when my mental health is in disarray and my physical health is failing too….the one constant is that my relationships are all amazing in their own ways. I have such an amazing poly family, I can not begin to express my gratitude here. I am loved, and it feels really, really nice. :)

My mom always said I was poly because I came from a broken/unstable family life. This could be true. I can’t really say, but if I had set out to create a better family for myself, than the cold and unloving one that I grew up with as a child, then I did a DAMN fine job of it. Because I am surrounded by people who love me, and I love them, and we are family. I have such a strong sense of family with all of these people and I just could not imagine my life without them at this point. They have all been around from the ‘newest’ partner, at 5 years to the ‘oldest’ partner of 22 years. These people are not flings or romp n’ roll in the hay playtime buddies. These are people I’m making memories with, memories that will last a lifetime. People who I can count on, who care about me, people who I am lucky to call partners and privileged to call family. If I somehow have set out subconsciously to build the perfect, loving, caring, supportive family, fuck it, I’ve succeeded.

For those who just don’t get it, or think I’m just being slutty, you have entirely missed the point.

*~*~*Slutty Heart*~*~*

Monday, May 15, 2017

"True Love in this differs from gold and clay/That to divide is not to take away.”


So, I haven’t written here for a very, very long time. In the past nearly three years a lot has happened. My polycule has honestly not changed much in terms of who is involved in it, but their roles in my life have changed. K spent the last two years being monogamous with a guy who they are currently trying to open their relationship with. We are, in some way, shape, or form, still, an item, K, R and I. J and I have recently started dating, taking our ‘friends with benefits’ and ‘broey-ness’ to a different place altogether. He is also dating a long time friend of mine. Things are pretty much the same with D, still a long-term play partner whom I care about deeply.


So while the structure of some things has changed, and B is gone entirely (friends still, but he is back at monogamy now.) life is still amazing. Relationships shift and change and evolve over time, and that is okay. K and R and I all kind of took some time apart when we split originally. Then when the hurt was a little less, we became friends again, and now it’s entirely clear to all of us that it was a bad time in our lives to try such a thing, but that we are glad we did, and we learned from it, and we are pretty certain that regardless of the form it takes, we will probably always be in each other lives in some loving capacity. We love each other so much, and when we are all together it’s still just fireworks and cuteness and adorbs all over the place. It’s a thing.


Part of the reason for the split was poor mental health on my and K’s part. Both of us were suffering and didn’t know how to be there for each other, and neither of us knew how to NOT make the other’s situation worse through triggers while we dealt with our own manic and depressive episodes.


R and I are still going strong. We celebrated 22 years on March 9th, 2017. Right now we are dealing with some poor mental health on my part, but that is an ongoing struggle. There are some days when I don’t know how I do it really, but, still, here I am.

I plan to come back to this blog. I plan to spruce it up, I’m going to go back and work on the grammar for sure, haha, but I’m going to make this a nice place. Feel free to check back. :)

*~*~*Slutty Heart*~*~*

Saturday, August 16, 2014

Communication is key, or, "I also get laid more" ;)

I talk about my relationships at work pretty openly, everyone knows I'm poly and regardless of what they think of the CONCEPT, they all know that it works for me and that I'm very happy. The smile I can't seem to wipe off my face tells more a story of my life than I ever could with words. Yet here I am trying anyhow.

I met and fell in love with my husband going on 20 years ago. At the time I was unknowingly and in that very young and confused person way, madly, truly, and deeply in love with a friend of mine who I was also sleeping with. She loved me too, somehow, but at that age (15 or so) we had no idea the emotions we were swimming in. When R and I got together, there was never even a conversation about non-monogamy. We were 15 and in love and he didn't mind that I had this other girl I loved around. It wasn't just her either, there were other girls, confused girls I'd kiss in the dark. He never did mind.

When I moved away at age 18, I was doing a lot of research about all different religions when I stumbled on a liberal christian website, ( www.libchrist.com ) It discussed Polyamory. At the time I was chat friends and phone chat friends with some guys who I found I truly cared about and I didn't get why I couldn't be with other men like I could with women, what was the difference? Nothing was going to change how I felt about R. So...I brought the idea up to him. He agreed to open it all the way.

My current polycule looks a little like this:

I am in love and in a committed relationship with R, K and B. I have two other men that I play with, J and D. one that I've been friends with for years, J, but we are kind of like bros though, the other, D, I feel like on some level I do love him. I miss him when we're apart for awhile, and when we're together I get the warm fuzzies. We send each other kisses and hugs and love online when we're apart, but I think we are both pretty polysaturated and know that there's just no room for additional partners with more of an investment than we're willing to give at this point. That's fine, we have what we have, and that's okay.

So, at work, people keep telling me how it all seems so COMPLICATED> and there are so many CONVERSATIONS....ALL OF THE TIME...WITH ALL OF THE PEOPLE.

I must say, it's a little disappointing to me that I am capable of multiple relationships with various levels of commitment, which of course, like ALL relationships, take effort, and the monogamous people I spend most of my time with don't seem to see the value in all of this communication. Maybe if more mono minded people put as much effort into their ONE other partner as I put into my multiple partners, they would be walking around with big smiles on their faces too. This came out sounding WAY more superior than I meant it to, but it is what I honestly think so I'm leaving it out there.



Sure, there are fights, but...there is so much love here, and with that love comes trust, honesty and transparency through communication. I feel all committed individuals, mono, poly, or otherwise identified, should have at the very least, those three things in their relationship toolbox.

/rant

*~*~*Slutty Heart*~*~*

Sunday, July 27, 2014

Love with a fearless and faithful abandon....


So, my poly family, K, R, B and I all went to the beach together. Our first trip. It was a great time. I'd love to bore you to death with tails of conquering the ocean, seeing the wild horses and dolphins and all the fun stuff we did, but I have something more serious to discuss.

So when we got back, a couple of weeks went by, things were starting to get to a certain point with B, he started to have doubts and jealousy. As K says, "If every poly person who had jealousy and doubts at some point or another stopped being poly because of those doubts and jealousy, there would be no poly people." Truth.

A lot of people assume we don't deal with these issues. But we do. Within monogamy, I feel like jealousy means something different than in polyamory. In monogamy, it's like a badge of honor. If your man or woman is jealous, it means they really care about you. I don't see jealousy that way though, I don't see ME being jealous of another person as a sign that I care so much about my partner, more, it seems like if I'm jealous that there is something lacking with me. Am I jealous of the time spent with that person? Their affections? Or is it something far more insidious, like a personal insecurity? Most likely, it is. That is the worst. Because no one wants to look into themselves and see that they doubt their self-worth. Will my partner be my partner forever? Will they find someone else if I "allow" them to see other people outside the group?

These were some things that B and K were dealing with at the moment. K made a promise that she's not going anywhere that she won't leave, and it was hard for her to be so vulnerable. This promise may have set his mind a bit at ease, but, none of us know what the future will hold. Maybe your other WILL leave you for someone else, or will find a new primary, or maybe you thought you were on equal grounds but suddenly you find yourself a secondary, somehow not knowing it had been that way all the entire time. There are many variables here. No one knows what's coming, what changes our relationships will suffer, and if they would survive those changes. All I know for certain is change is the one thing we can count on. Being a part of a relationship is almost like thrill seeking. Simply because we do not know the ending. Is it happily ever after, which we won't know until our death bed, or is it more of a 'may so and so be damned' situation. We don't know. We can't know. That's what's so amazing about it. You go all in with your emotions, you feel so fully (if you're doing it right) and you are risking it all. Risking your future with this person, risking things like "losing your youth" to someone you've given the 'best years of your life' to (I am quoting my mother here). But....what if....what if they stay.

What if it is happily ever after? There's only one way to find out.

So we talked and talked. Then, we talked some more. (If you're poly I'm sure you know how that goes!) Everything got worked out, even if they are issues that no one can ever guarantee the way K tried to guarantee them to B. I think on some level he knows that she can't know that no one will know until we get there. But I think there is faith, and that keeps him around. The faith, the blind, unwavering belief that she will be there for him no matter what the future holds is enough to keep his head above water, though he's nearly drowning in the fear that she will leave.

I suppose I have the same fears, and in some ways those fears are coming true. R, K and I have always claimed to be non-hierarchical. When push comes to shove though, B is where K's future lies. He can marry her one day and give her the children she someday wants, and we can't. That doesn't mean we have to end, but the dynamic has changed and like I said, change is all we can really count on.

My advice here to anyone who is questioning their relationship is just to love with a fearless and faithful abandon. If it ends "Don't be sad that it's over, be happy that it happened."

*~*~*Slutty Heart*~*~*

Sunday, July 6, 2014

"Part of me is made of glass, and also, I love you."

The night that the poem A Thousand Nights is referring to was the night I fell in love with B. That was Friday the 13th. A week or so later we're talking, and he says to me, "I'm still afraid to say I love you."

I froze. I sat there, silent. I had no idea what had just happened. A month or so prior to this, for some context...there was a girl he was sleeping with, a friend. She was in love with him, so he broke it off, he told me about this incident, and I assumed it was a warning to me, "Don't get too close, I don't have the feels for you like that."

So when I hear "I'm still afraid to say I love you" fall from his lips, suddenly I need to re-evaluate the meaning of all the little things I thought were warnings. The way he always wanted to talk about 'us'.....the way he says "I feel like you deserve more." When I heard those things, what I thought he meant was, "You're not getting too close are you? Just checkin' in on that cuz this isn't going anywhere." or "Maybe you should look elsewhere because I'm not going to give you what you want."

Suddenly these things took on new meaning, when he was asking about us he was almost baiting me, and when he said I deserved more, what, did that mean he wanted to GIVE more? The carefully crafted facade I'd created to not get too close just shattered before me. (I could feel it, "part of me is made of glass, and also, I love you.")  Well, it didn't' truly shatter, but the entire thing cracked, it took one day to come crumbling down afterwards. I had to see him the next day. We had to talk; I told him it wasn't anything bad. I know that he knew, at this point, it was just a formality, but one that had to happen.

We laid in bed, and he said to me, "I think I know what this is about, but I'm not going to say anything and then look like a fool."

He knew.

We both knew he knew.

I tried hard to look him in the eyes; I didn't want to miss a beat, an emotion flashing behind  his eyes, regret, anything that would say "YOU TOTALLY READ THIS SITUATION WRONG".

I said to him, with an ache in my chest, "On Friday the 13th...."

"yeah?" He said.

"On Friday the 13th I fell in love with you."

"I love you too."

BAM. POW. DONE. KO'd.

*~*~*Slutty Heart*~*~*

A Thousand Nights...

A bit after the Columbus Took A Chance poem, I was feeling a little more than just mushy feelings, so.....I wanted to write and B said, "Write about what you want." And this is what came to be:



A Thousand Nights

We lay in bed the morning after a night 
of heavy drinking
he tells me he was thinking 'stuff' 
about me last night
"What kind of stuff?" I ask
"Awesome stuff."  he replies.
I don't want to pry
A drunken memory of the night before
plays behind my eyes
of him holding my face
in both hands
and saying
"Do you have any idea how much you mean to me?"
Which I reply with a shake of the head...no
and a kiss
abyss deep
I lock eyes with him
and can't help but wonder if he remembers
such shared moments
in the dark
hot 
pulsating 
club 
at 2 a.m 
the night before

As I write this
I can't help but think
'Part of me is made of glass'
and here I am, breaking before him

"Tell me what you want...." He says to me
from across the dinner table
I get lost in his eyes, that dark honey brown
and his crooked smile
"I don't really know" I say

That was then
today I know
I know I want him to hold my hand as we walk
and I want a thousand nights of him 
holding me tight and asking if I know how much
I mean to him.
A week ago I wanted less
but it's my passion, you see
people
and the experience they can give me
good or bad
I want his place in my heart to be a 
patchwork of sex and crooked smiles
hand holding and
drunken nights
and emo songs playing in the background
on youtube while his eyebrow arches 
and he says, "Want to go into the bedroom?"

A thousand nights that end that way 

wouldn't be enough.

"Tell me what you want...." He whispers in my ear
while I lay naked and breathless beneath him
I can't bring myself to say the words
spinning through my mind, though my body
is aching for his touch
I want his hands tugging at my hair
his nails tearing at my flesh
his lips on my thighs
and his fingers around my throat
as I gasp for air
My orgasm pulsing just below the surface
waiting to shoot through my fingertips
my nails tearing at the sheets
and my eyes locking with his 
as he gives me that crooked smile
and yes
A thousand nights that end that way
wouldn't be enough



*~*~*Slutty Heart*~*~*