Saturday, August 16, 2014

Communication is key, or, "I also get laid more" ;)

I talk about my relationships at work pretty openly, everyone knows I'm poly and regardless of what they think of the CONCEPT, they all know that it works for me and that I'm very happy. The smile I can't seem to wipe off my face tells more a story of my life than I ever could with words. Yet here I am trying anyhow.

I met and fell in love with my husband going on 20 years ago. At the time I was unknowingly and in that very young and confused person way, madly, truly, and deeply in love with a friend of mine who I was also sleeping with. She loved me too, somehow, but at that age (15 or so) we had no idea the emotions we were swimming in. When R and I got together, there was never even a conversation about non-monogamy. We were 15 and in love and he didn't mind that I had this other girl I loved around. It wasn't just her either, there were other girls, confused girls I'd kiss in the dark. He never did mind.

When I moved away at age 18, I was doing a lot of research about all different religions when I stumbled on a liberal christian website, ( www.libchrist.com ) It discussed Polyamory. At the time I was chat friends and phone chat friends with some guys who I found I truly cared about and I didn't get why I couldn't be with other men like I could with women, what was the difference? Nothing was going to change how I felt about R. So...I brought the idea up to him. He agreed to open it all the way.

My current polycule looks a little like this:

I am in love and in a committed relationship with R, K and B. I have two other men that I play with, J and D. one that I've been friends with for years, J, but we are kind of like bros though, the other, D, I feel like on some level I do love him. I miss him when we're apart for awhile, and when we're together I get the warm fuzzies. We send each other kisses and hugs and love online when we're apart, but I think we are both pretty polysaturated and know that there's just no room for additional partners with more of an investment than we're willing to give at this point. That's fine, we have what we have, and that's okay.

So, at work, people keep telling me how it all seems so COMPLICATED> and there are so many CONVERSATIONS....ALL OF THE TIME...WITH ALL OF THE PEOPLE.

I must say, it's a little disappointing to me that I am capable of multiple relationships with various levels of commitment, which of course, like ALL relationships, take effort, and the monogamous people I spend most of my time with don't seem to see the value in all of this communication. Maybe if more mono minded people put as much effort into their ONE other partner as I put into my multiple partners, they would be walking around with big smiles on their faces too. This came out sounding WAY more superior than I meant it to, but it is what I honestly think so I'm leaving it out there.



Sure, there are fights, but...there is so much love here, and with that love comes trust, honesty and transparency through communication. I feel all committed individuals, mono, poly, or otherwise identified, should have at the very least, those three things in their relationship toolbox.

/rant

*~*~*Slutty Heart*~*~*

Sunday, July 27, 2014

Love with a fearless and faithful abandon....


So, my poly family, K, R, B and I all went to the beach together. Our first trip. It was a great time. I'd love to bore you to death with tails of conquering the ocean, seeing the wild horses and dolphins and all the fun stuff we did, but I have something more serious to discuss.

So when we got back, a couple of weeks went by, things were starting to get to a certain point with B, he started to have doubts and jealousy. As K says, "If every poly person who had jealousy and doubts at some point or another stopped being poly because of those doubts and jealousy, there would be no poly people." Truth.

A lot of people assume we don't deal with these issues. But we do. Within monogamy, I feel like jealousy means something different than in polyamory. In monogamy, it's like a badge of honor. If your man or woman is jealous, it means they really care about you. I don't see jealousy that way though, I don't see ME being jealous of another person as a sign that I care so much about my partner, more, it seems like if I'm jealous that there is something lacking with me. Am I jealous of the time spent with that person? Their affections? Or is it something far more insidious, like a personal insecurity? Most likely, it is. That is the worst. Because no one wants to look into themselves and see that they doubt their self-worth. Will my partner be my partner forever? Will they find someone else if I "allow" them to see other people outside the group?

These were some things that B and K were dealing with at the moment. K made a promise that she's not going anywhere that she won't leave, and it was hard for her to be so vulnerable. This promise may have set his mind a bit at ease, but, none of us know what the future will hold. Maybe your other WILL leave you for someone else, or will find a new primary, or maybe you thought you were on equal grounds but suddenly you find yourself a secondary, somehow not knowing it had been that way all the entire time. There are many variables here. No one knows what's coming, what changes our relationships will suffer, and if they would survive those changes. All I know for certain is change is the one thing we can count on. Being a part of a relationship is almost like thrill seeking. Simply because we do not know the ending. Is it happily ever after, which we won't know until our death bed, or is it more of a 'may so and so be damned' situation. We don't know. We can't know. That's what's so amazing about it. You go all in with your emotions, you feel so fully (if you're doing it right) and you are risking it all. Risking your future with this person, risking things like "losing your youth" to someone you've given the 'best years of your life' to (I am quoting my mother here). But....what if....what if they stay.

What if it is happily ever after? There's only one way to find out.

So we talked and talked. Then, we talked some more. (If you're poly I'm sure you know how that goes!) Everything got worked out, even if they are issues that no one can ever guarantee the way K tried to guarantee them to B. I think on some level he knows that she can't know that no one will know until we get there. But I think there is faith, and that keeps him around. The faith, the blind, unwavering belief that she will be there for him no matter what the future holds is enough to keep his head above water, though he's nearly drowning in the fear that she will leave.

I suppose I have the same fears, and in some ways those fears are coming true. R, K and I have always claimed to be non-hierarchical. When push comes to shove though, B is where K's future lies. He can marry her one day and give her the children she someday wants, and we can't. That doesn't mean we have to end, but the dynamic has changed and like I said, change is all we can really count on.

My advice here to anyone who is questioning their relationship is just to love with a fearless and faithful abandon. If it ends "Don't be sad that it's over, be happy that it happened."

*~*~*Slutty Heart*~*~*

Sunday, July 6, 2014

"Part of me is made of glass, and also, I love you."

The night that the poem A Thousand Nights is referring to was the night I fell in love with B. That was Friday the 13th. A week or so later we're talking, and he says to me, "I'm still afraid to say I love you."

I froze. I sat there, silent. I had no idea what had just happened. A month or so prior to this, for some context...there was a girl he was sleeping with, a friend. She was in love with him, so he broke it off, he told me about this incident, and I assumed it was a warning to me, "Don't get too close, I don't have the feels for you like that."

So when I hear "I'm still afraid to say I love you" fall from his lips, suddenly I need to re-evaluate the meaning of all the little things I thought were warnings. The way he always wanted to talk about 'us'.....the way he says "I feel like you deserve more." When I heard those things, what I thought he meant was, "You're not getting too close are you? Just checkin' in on that cuz this isn't going anywhere." or "Maybe you should look elsewhere because I'm not going to give you what you want."

Suddenly these things took on new meaning, when he was asking about us he was almost baiting me, and when he said I deserved more, what, did that mean he wanted to GIVE more? The carefully crafted facade I'd created to not get too close just shattered before me. (I could feel it, "part of me is made of glass, and also, I love you.")  Well, it didn't' truly shatter, but the entire thing cracked, it took one day to come crumbling down afterwards. I had to see him the next day. We had to talk; I told him it wasn't anything bad. I know that he knew, at this point, it was just a formality, but one that had to happen.

We laid in bed, and he said to me, "I think I know what this is about, but I'm not going to say anything and then look like a fool."

He knew.

We both knew he knew.

I tried hard to look him in the eyes; I didn't want to miss a beat, an emotion flashing behind  his eyes, regret, anything that would say "YOU TOTALLY READ THIS SITUATION WRONG".

I said to him, with an ache in my chest, "On Friday the 13th...."

"yeah?" He said.

"On Friday the 13th I fell in love with you."

"I love you too."

BAM. POW. DONE. KO'd.

*~*~*Slutty Heart*~*~*

A Thousand Nights...

A bit after the Columbus Took A Chance poem, I was feeling a little more than just mushy feelings, so.....I wanted to write and B said, "Write about what you want." And this is what came to be:



A Thousand Nights

We lay in bed the morning after a night 
of heavy drinking
he tells me he was thinking 'stuff' 
about me last night
"What kind of stuff?" I ask
"Awesome stuff."  he replies.
I don't want to pry
A drunken memory of the night before
plays behind my eyes
of him holding my face
in both hands
and saying
"Do you have any idea how much you mean to me?"
Which I reply with a shake of the head...no
and a kiss
abyss deep
I lock eyes with him
and can't help but wonder if he remembers
such shared moments
in the dark
hot 
pulsating 
club 
at 2 a.m 
the night before

As I write this
I can't help but think
'Part of me is made of glass'
and here I am, breaking before him

"Tell me what you want...." He says to me
from across the dinner table
I get lost in his eyes, that dark honey brown
and his crooked smile
"I don't really know" I say

That was then
today I know
I know I want him to hold my hand as we walk
and I want a thousand nights of him 
holding me tight and asking if I know how much
I mean to him.
A week ago I wanted less
but it's my passion, you see
people
and the experience they can give me
good or bad
I want his place in my heart to be a 
patchwork of sex and crooked smiles
hand holding and
drunken nights
and emo songs playing in the background
on youtube while his eyebrow arches 
and he says, "Want to go into the bedroom?"

A thousand nights that end that way 

wouldn't be enough.

"Tell me what you want...." He whispers in my ear
while I lay naked and breathless beneath him
I can't bring myself to say the words
spinning through my mind, though my body
is aching for his touch
I want his hands tugging at my hair
his nails tearing at my flesh
his lips on my thighs
and his fingers around my throat
as I gasp for air
My orgasm pulsing just below the surface
waiting to shoot through my fingertips
my nails tearing at the sheets
and my eyes locking with his 
as he gives me that crooked smile
and yes
A thousand nights that end that way
wouldn't be enough



*~*~*Slutty Heart*~*~*

Thursday, June 12, 2014

Columbus took a chance

Lately, there have been some issues with B and I and trying to figure out exactly where things are, where they will go, if anywhere at all, from what B says, it's a 50/50 chance, and hey, I love gambling. What can I say?

I wrote this for B, in response to our 'talk' about 'us'.

Columbus Took A Chance

I wish I could say this was a story of unrequited love
at least then I would be tragic, brokenhearted,
exhausted by my own wretched sobs
Instead I kind of feel a funny mushy feeling
in your general direction

I ask you if it's a mistake to care
and you tell me wordlessly
that it's the very best mistake
When I try and walk away
you tell me in a song
"if this means anything at all
don't let me leave you."

And unfortunately it does mean something
If only, I knew what
I know only that I adore the little bruises
you leave behind
and your crooked smile
the way you whisper "you're beautiful."

My other love fears for my one day
inevitably broken heart
I'm a grownup I tell her
I can take it
Some days it's as if my world gets lost
in your almond eyes
and one day you'll just blink
and become a destroyer of worlds

Maybe there are no wretched sobs in this story
this tale of the funny mushy feeling
that I feel in your general direction
but there are silent tears
banging behind my eyes
on nights that I can't find sleep

Not because I can't imagine me without you
but because I can't imagine not even letting the reigns go slack
not trying, not being naked and truthful with you
not discovering in myself a vulnerable person
willing to let this story unfold
I would rather ask myself a week from now
a month or a year
what have I done?
with tears shining in my eyes, while I tell a story
of unrequited love
than say that I wish I had tried.





*~*~*Slutty Heart*~*~*

Thursday, May 29, 2014

Tear you apart...


I've been struggling for a couple of weeks to write this post. I don't know why. I don't know what to say. If you've read K's Rants you know that she and her previous partner, C, have split. She is now dating B.

It seems I am also dating B. It was agonizing for me to write that last sentence. I mean, he's nice, he's open and honest and smokin' hot. But...I am emotionally unavailable in a lot of ways, ways that weren't as obvious to me until he came around. He just SAYS things. Says things that he FEELS. WHAT?! I mean, honestly so does K....but....I feel secure with K I guess? There is this newness to B and this uncertainty. I'm just  left silent by a lot of things that he says because I'm kind of like, left looking around like...."Was he talking to me?". *looks over shoulder*

It's good but painful. In that way good sex is good, but painful. *analogy high five*

I can not say another word on this subject. It's maddening.

How about you guys? Any emotionally unavailable polys out there? It seems kind of like an oxymoron or contradiction or some such thing....I'm working on it. Feel free to comment about your emotional unavailability issues or that of a partner and how they may have worked through it. Thanks.

*~*~*Slutty Heart*~*~*

Thursday, May 15, 2014

Sex. and stuff. and things. yeah...That.

Sexual stuff was a real challenge for all three of us once it came time for that part of our relationship to evolve. There was this one time when the three of us played a bit, and I accidentally leaned on and CRUSHED R's ball's. So yeah, that ended that. You would think. But the real reason that night ended so abruptly was because later down the road K expressed some nervousness about being with me specifically. Mainly  because it had been so long since she'd been with a woman, and she had nerves about pleasing me (I bitch about ALL the TONS of bad sex I've had in the past, and it didn't help, she didn't want to be one of those stories.)

I will be entirely honest. I  freaked out in my own way. I got up and started cooking dinner in the middle of us all fooling around. I was, in my head, providing her an out. I started having waves of panic. Was this going to be another situation like with A? I went to bed early, and alone. Everyone started to feel weird and sad and awkward. I saw K sulk past the bedroom door. R went out to check on her at my insistence, in my mind she was drowning her sorrows in wine, or doing some other similarly self-destructive thing.

When he returned I asked, "Is she okay?"

"No." He replied

I  panicked..."What's she doing?"

"She's...eating applesauce. Very. Slowly."

OMG! The relief. haha, looking back it's kind of hilarious. I called her into the bedroom, and we had a long talk all about her insecurities and mine, and issues and fears I have regarding A and where our relationship would go.

Since then, sex and such has happened for all of us, and my fears were unfounded, of course. I rarely have these A type thoughts creep up on me, but when they do, there is usually a deep and thoughtful conversation that follows, just to reassure me. Honestly, sometimes all I need is for her to hold me and kiss my forehead and tell me she loves me, and that she's not A. Things are different now, they are beautiful.

*~*~*Slutty Heart*~*~*