Something has happened that led to me realizing my failings within a poly framework. If I'm honest, my friend betrayed me, she was who was briefly dating my partner, W. Was my reaction to these betrayals out of hand? Yes. Could I have handled it better? Of course. But the fact of the matter is I did not manage to control myself and things got out of hand and turned into a screaming fit.
I realized that after three strikes I could not continue to give my blessing for their relationship. I did not ask that they stop seeing each other, I'm a firm believer that I can only control how I react to a situation. I had the option to leave, and I explored that option, let them have at it. It boiled down to me trying to save our friendship before things got too out of hand with X. This probably didn't work. I sent her an e-mail, and she hasn't replied. She had mentioned wanting to talk, and I asked her to e-mail me, I didn't feel up to an in-person conversation. I got sick of waiting to hear from her, so I mailed her about the issues we had. She hasn't responded. I don't know if I even want her to, to be honest. I don't think that our friendship will have survived all of this mess. We were good friends but piss poor metas. I guess sometimes that happens. :(
I'm the kind of person who needs to know where things are going and when. Like when she said "I"m not going to date W, I don't want it to affect our friendship." I took her at her word. Even though she had my blessing before that, when she said she wasn't going to mess with him, that was my expectation. Then not a day later and he's in her bed. It was that sort of thing two other times, and it just got to be too much with the poor communication and what I considered to be lies. W is not free from blame in all of this either, but with him, it was mostly poor communication.
I want him to be happy, and I want to have compersion for him. For the first time in his life, he is free to love how he pleases, and I wish that for him. I think maybe X was just a poor choice in potential partners.
I look forward to us reading
More Than Two together and figuring out both of our bullshit and issues together.
Poor mental health played a big part in all of this as well. In December I was in a mixed episode, then in January I had pneumonia and the flu and I was on prednisone, the first day of the step-down pack is the worst, it made me want to put my face through a brick wall. X was on steroids for a similar issue as well so we were going for the throat it seemed.
For now, W is waiting to find other partners until he gets his divorce decree in the mail and can kick his ex-wife and her boyfriend out of his house. That was the original plan, and since this backfired so spectacularly, he has decided waiting is for the best.
In closing, I know I am not perfect, and I'm willing to work on my missteps within our relationship. Here's to 2nd chances.
*~*~*Slutty Heart*~*~*
