Sunday, July 6, 2014

"Part of me is made of glass, and also, I love you."

The night that the poem A Thousand Nights is referring to was the night I fell in love with B. That was Friday the 13th. A week or so later we're talking, and he says to me, "I'm still afraid to say I love you."

I froze. I sat there, silent. I had no idea what had just happened. A month or so prior to this, for some context...there was a girl he was sleeping with, a friend. She was in love with him, so he broke it off, he told me about this incident, and I assumed it was a warning to me, "Don't get too close, I don't have the feels for you like that."

So when I hear "I'm still afraid to say I love you" fall from his lips, suddenly I need to re-evaluate the meaning of all the little things I thought were warnings. The way he always wanted to talk about 'us'.....the way he says "I feel like you deserve more." When I heard those things, what I thought he meant was, "You're not getting too close are you? Just checkin' in on that cuz this isn't going anywhere." or "Maybe you should look elsewhere because I'm not going to give you what you want."

Suddenly these things took on new meaning, when he was asking about us he was almost baiting me, and when he said I deserved more, what, did that mean he wanted to GIVE more? The carefully crafted facade I'd created to not get too close just shattered before me. (I could feel it, "part of me is made of glass, and also, I love you.")  Well, it didn't' truly shatter, but the entire thing cracked, it took one day to come crumbling down afterwards. I had to see him the next day. We had to talk; I told him it wasn't anything bad. I know that he knew, at this point, it was just a formality, but one that had to happen.

We laid in bed, and he said to me, "I think I know what this is about, but I'm not going to say anything and then look like a fool."

He knew.

We both knew he knew.

I tried hard to look him in the eyes; I didn't want to miss a beat, an emotion flashing behind  his eyes, regret, anything that would say "YOU TOTALLY READ THIS SITUATION WRONG".

I said to him, with an ache in my chest, "On Friday the 13th...."

"yeah?" He said.

"On Friday the 13th I fell in love with you."

"I love you too."


*~*~*Slutty Heart*~*~*

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