Monday, March 17, 2014

Seamless: A poly love story

I admit it, I've been looking for love in all the wrong places. Mostly stranger’s beds, but I guess I always knew I wouldn't find it there. I already have an epic love with my boyfriend, R, of damn near 20 years.  But he works late and loneliness creeps in, boredom frays my sanity at the edges,  and we have an open relationship so why not go looking for love? We were in a triad many years ago that nearly two years into it went down in flames.  Her name was A. She was like a tornado, at first, the calm center of the storm, and then later, the destruction that comes along with it. The worst of it was that she faked being bisexual because she had convinced herself she needed to be with me to be with R. This was not true, and I assured her of it, and she swore through angry screaming and sobbing that she loved me. But she wouldn't even hold my hand and attempts at sex more often than not ended in tears. I swore up and down I would never be in a triad again.
Then, in 2010 I started working a new job and met a girl (K) who gave me bedroom eyes at work, but I thought that at 13 years my junior she was too young. Though we did grow to be close friends over the next three years. One day she told me about a nasty experience with one of her roommates. I felt for her and desperately wanted to get her out of that shitty living situation, so I talked to R about ‘wishing she could move in with us.’ We own now and don’t  have a landlord to answer to money wise. He seemed hesitant, because the few times we had friends or lovers living with us. He would lock himself in our bedroom to avoid them. But this friend, K, she started sleeping over, and after a few nights, we decided we couldn't let her go back to her old place.  One night we were all having a cuddle party. I was a little high on her perfume and the velvety softness of her skin. I’m not sure where the hesitation was coming from, since she had expressed interest before, but it was there, heavy like a thick fog,  it enveloped me.  I somehow still managed to lean forward, peeking over at R as I leaned into the crook of her arm and kissed her shoulder.  Two little pecks and then she found my lips. I don’t want to get all pornographic here because honestly it was all very PG. That night, laying in bed all snuggled up with the two of them, it felt seamless, it felt like home. We took a little bit of time to figure out what we were doing exactly, was this going to be a FWB situation? Or was this something more? We are still working on the intimacy part, trying to take things slow.
The fact that K and I had been friends for so long definitely caused lovey feelings to pop up pretty quickly, and R, though he wasn't as close, found himself in the same boat.   They bonded instantly. Now, K already has a partner, he is newish in her life but she loves him dearly. They had discussed her wanting an open relationship before any of this had happened and even though she was a bit paranoid that he wouldn't be able to handle it, he told her that this is the relationship he’s been waiting for, she was full of sqees and was so happy. :)
Now, she’s all moved in, and while we are all very happy, I have these waves of intense fear. Will she leave me out of our relationship like A, our ex did? I am so happy when we’re all together, and these fears seem entirely unfounded. K is bisexual. She has had experience outside of just me, but….there are doubts and fears that A has left lingering in my heart. She assures me she understands and will let me feel these feelings and try and let them pass, and she won’t ever hold it against me if I’m guarded about her. R is worried I will push her away out of fear. I’m trying desperately to let myself enjoy all of this and not let A destroy a perfectly beautiful and harmonious thing, especially six years after her departure from our lives.
We have a bird now, it’s K’s, and now she has a cat, which is ours, and R and I have a boyfriend in law, who is such a sweet guy, he has a dog, so we now all have some step-pets. We are a happy poly family, regardless of any fears or trepidation on my part, it’s all fabulous. I don’t know if this – the following of our story – will be of any interest to anyone, but I felt like I should chronicle it. Sometimes K or R may post as well, so look out for guest posts. A writer friend of mine has told me time and time again to write about my relationships because it’s unique. I don’t know about all that but, I thought if nothing else, I’d like to be able to look back on this story one day, and have it all laid bare for us. If things go south, it will be a way to remember the good times. If they work out it will be a way for us to share some love with the world.
I hope you enjoy reading our poly love story.
*~*~*~Slutty Heart~*~*~*

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